Everything I Need

Sometimes I want something new.  Sometimes I want lots of new somethings.  Sometimes I don't even know why, there is no real necessity, but I just gotta have new stuff. I'm not going to project my weaknesses onto all of you, so I'll just assume that this is something that I alone struggle with.  (Although, something tells me that there are others who have to battle out the urge to splurge too.)

This weekend I received an e-mail from one of my favorite shopping boutiques.  Forty percent off of already marked down sale items...this weekend only.  Something leaped within me.  I need.  I want.  I must have...  These thoughts continued to monopolize my mind all through Friday.  And then again on Saturday.  I started scheming and planning out my attack on Ann Taylor Loft.  When could I steal away a few hours to shop till I dropped?  How could I finagle the finances to satisfy the consumer craving of my soul?  It seemed the only day that would remotely work out in my favor (and I would have to really squeeze it into our already over-stuffed schedule) was Sunday.  Late Sunday.  With a twinge of conviction tugging deep, deep down in my soul, I set my sights on a Sunday afternoon shopping spree.

Then, because I have to believe the Holy Spirit - who is forever looking out for my very best and could see I wasn't acknowledging His subtle nudgings - decided to speak up a little louder.  In my quiet time Sunday morning I read Psalm 23.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

The first verse stopped me in my tracks.  I shall not want.

The Message translation says this: God, my Shepherd!  I don't need a thing.

Gentle, but clear, I was reminded of the abundance I have received from the Lord.  Yes, I have everything I need.  Whatever void I was feeling - emotional, spiritual or simply materialistic lust - would never be filled will a new blouse, a new sweater or a new pair of jeans.  That void, that urge to splurge, was a soul calling out for God to come and satisfy in a way that only he can.

Without shame or condemnation I turned the direction of my focus on the Shepherd, the One, who has given me everything that I need, everything that a girl could possibly want (and then some), and poured out a heart of thanksgiving and gratitude.  Rather than catch the final hours of the sale, I found rest in the peace and contentment of God's constant and complete provision.

He is everything I need, even when forty percent off is desperately calling my name.

Hide Me

For the past few weeks I've been working my way through Beth Moore's Bible study Breaking Free.  With each new day of homework a new challenge is laid out before me.  Am I willing to delve deep - to the most inner parts of my heart and soul - allowing God to open up old wounds, new hurts and daily struggles in order to walk away from this ten week study fully embracing freedom and grace?  It's not been an easy task.  I find myself longing to run and hide; hide from people, hide from uncomfortable situations, hide from the truth inside.  However, each time I feel the temptation to run in the opposite direction of true freedom and liberation, I sense the Holy Spirit gently pulling me back and whispering words of comfort to my soul.  He is urging me to stop running from the junk hidden behind walls of false peace and protection, but rather run and hide in him.  As he reveals those areas in my life that are holding me back from fearless abandonment, he also reveals to me the shadow of his wings, the covering of his presence and the peace of his protection.  There is no fear in deliverance because God is always there to watch over and hide me in his shadow.

Psalm 17:8

Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 32:7

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 91:1

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Wherever you are in your journey, remember, God is with you.  His eye is forever upon you.  When your feet are two steps away from running as far from your mountain as they can possibly take you, remind yourself that there is no better place to run and hide than the shadow of the One who loves you more than life itself.  His wings will hold you firm and secure, and he will protect you from unnecessary harm.  He will give you the grace and strength to face your biggest fears and conquer your mountain once and for all.  Run to him...hide in him.  Know freedom in the secret places of your soul.  Find refuge in the shadow of the Almighty.

Mr. Amy

First, I just want to commend and acknowledge the working moms out there.  I have always had the utmost respect for you and all that you do, but now that I am working (part time, mind you), that respect has doubled...no...tripled!  How you do it all, I don't know.  You are the true super heros, in my opinion. As we are working on getting into a nice groove with our new schedule, I'm afraid my poor blog has received the short end of the stick.  It pains me.  Truly, it does.  As I lay my head on my pillow each night recounting all the activities of the day, the one thing that looms overhead is how negligent I've been with this blog.  I'm still working on finding balance.

While I don't have the brain cells to articulate what God's been doing in my heart and mind over the past week, I thought I'd jot down a few of the highlights:

• Allergies to cockroaches are nothing to laugh about.
• Sometimes empathy is all you can give.
• There is no sitting down on the job when you work at a preschool - there is no time to sit down.
• My son calls me "Teacher Mommy".
• I have surprised myself at how much I can actually do in a 24 hour period.
• God's grace truly is sufficient, and his power is made perfect in my weakness.
• Waking up before the rest of the world to be in the Word and pray, as difficult as it is some days, pays off when someone asks for prayer, and there is a pool of spiritual strength to draw from.
• God isn't expecting perfection, just willingness to try.
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
• And finally, I have grown quite fond of being called "Mr. Amy" by the little three-year-old boy in my Friday class.  It comes out more as a "Mith-ter Amy", and my heart melts.

The lunches have been packed and prepared for the rest of the week, book bags are sitting by the door, clothes set out, and the coffee pot ready to brew at 5:15 am.  Mr. Amy will be getting back to work in the morning, ready to take on a new week.

Uprooted

If there is pain, or struggle, or an unhealthy coping mechanism that you just can't seem to break free from, the only way you will ever know true deliverance is if you pull it out by the roots.  You have to dig deep inside, go straight to the source of the problem, face it head on, and yank it out will all your might.  Yes, it will hurt.  Yes, there may be a season of sowing tears and heart ache, but if you want to be free...really free...you have to go to the root of the problem. Wouldn't it be wonderful if God would zap us with one magical finger every time we had an emotional breakdown, addiction, or sin issue in our lives - that we could experience instant, gratifying healing?  I know there have been many times when I've been in a heap of hurt and brokenness, and my first thought has been, "If God would just hit me with his best shot, I would be happy, renewed, and ready to take on the world."  For whatever reason, God has never chosen to do anything instantly in my life.  On the contrary, he has allowed me to go through long and painful seasons of discovery and healing.  I am human, and I would much prefer instant gratification.  However, just as we all have to learn delayed gratification in our day-to-day lives, God knows that many times instant healing would never allow us to learn, grow, and uncover the deeper mystery of our Heavenly Father.  If I truly want to walk in freedom,  I have to allow God to literally uproot my life.  I have to allow him complete access to dig deep inside, reveal the root of my issues, and then pull them out.  Otherwise, all I am getting is a counterfeit healing.

I don't know about you, but I want real healing.  I want something that is going to last, and I want to walk away complete in him.  Weeds that simply get a nice trim are still weeds, and they will grow back.  Weeds that have been pulled out by the root are gone for good, and that's the kind of healing that I want.  Healing that is done for good.

How do we do this?  Where do we start?

First, recognize and admit there is a problem in your life.  Come to grips with the dysfunction, and stop trying to avoid facing the facts.

Second, reach out to God.  Ask him for his help, and surrender your life to his hands.

Third, surround yourself with godly people whom you trust that can be a support, provide accountability, and walk through this journey of healing alongside you.  We have been given the church - the Body of Christ - as a gift.  Not just a group of people to hang out with and enjoy a good bar-b-que with from time to time (which is wonderful, for sure), but a group of people that will speak truth in love and offer authentic friendship.  Don't be afraid to reach out.

Fourth, as the Body of Christ is doing its work, you, too, must do your work.  Be proactive in the healing process.  The longer you wait, holding out for God to zap you, the longer you delay your day of freedom.

When Jesus healed in the Bible, it was never just that one issue that the person brought to him.  His healing was always, and is still always, multi-dimentional.  He healed the whole person, from the inside out.  I realize these four steps may seem a bit simplified, but they are a start to delving deeper to the root of your problem, and allowing God to uproot your life multi-dimensionally.

September

September is one of those crazy, transitional months that I look forward to all through August and then panic and stress out when "the first" finally arrives.  I can't wait to get back into the swing of routine, shuffling kids out the door for school, and the pre-mature glimpses of the approaching fall season.  At the same time, I worry that I'll forget something (like someone's school supplies or my mind, perhaps), spend half my day running late for the next thing, get to work with that unprepared feeling, and never get enough sleep.  It's the little unforseen bugs in the system that keep me up at night.  Usually, by October, we've worked out all the kinks, but until then, I'm barely hanging on by a thread. Needless to say, amidst all the transition and figuring out of schedules, new routines and such, I have discovered a trick for survival.  I have found something that warms my every fiber from the inside out, calms my frantic nerves, and comforts me when I wake up at 4:30 am trying to plan out my day.  September calls for a heaping dose of Psalms and Starbucks.

Psalms speaks to my soul, reminds me of God's faithfulness, his provision for all of our needs (no matter how big or small), and his unfailing love in spite of my failure to live up to my own expectations.  Starbucks makes me smile with their soy caramel machiattos and pumpkin spice lattes.  They remind me of how glorious fall can be with the changing colors, cool, crisp mornings, my favorite sweaters, and Notre Dame football.

September will not overwhelm me.  I will soar above the chaos with Psalms and Starbucks.  They will see me through all this transition, and October will roll right in like an enormous pumpkin on my doorstep.

This is September.  This is how I survive.

What about you?

Though It Linger...

Habakkuk 2:3 "Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." 

Sometimes it would appear as though God has forgotten all about us.  The promises he made that we have been holding onto are becoming increasingly difficult to believe.  Somehow, someway, we have this yearning to see God do something.  And yet, he continues to remain silent to our pleas, our cries, our heartfelt prayers and petitions.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life."

Hope is not to disappoint us.  Hope is supposed to carry us through.  Sometimes hope is all we have.  But what happens when our hope is deferred?  What happens when every last effort and hope has been depleted and we're left with nothing?  We feel the sudden pang of heart sickness.  Pain.  Sorrow.  Disappointment.  There is no masking the deep sadness that accompanies lost hope.

What do we do when we've reached the end of our rope?  When we've prayed so much that our cheeks are soggy from tears and our eyes are swollen and red?  How do we proceed?

We wait.

When we've prayed all that we can pray.  When words fail us, and we don't even see the end of the tunnel, and the clock is ticking, and we're tired and weary...we wait.

"Though it linger..."

Though the promise is slow in coming...though the explanation has yet to be clear...though the darkness is heavy all around...

"...wait for it!"

Hold on...don't waver in unbelief and doubt.  Trust.  Look heavenward to where your hope is secure...and wait.

"It will certainly come and will not delay."

God is faithful to his promises, and though in our finite world it would appear as though God is slow, he is working every detail out for our benefit.  The answer will come.  The longing will certainly be fulfilled.  And hope will be renewed.

The same God who holds the world in his hands...holds my world in his hands...and he holds your world in his hands.  The very things that are precious to us are precious to him.  He cares deeply about those things that concern us.  He knows.  He empathizes, and he is working on our behalf.

Don't give up.  Keep on trusting.  Lean into the Father.  Saturate your mind in the Word.  And wait.

Romans 4:18-21

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."  Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead.  Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised.

It's Going To Get Interesting...

Oh. My. Lord.   

My life seems to have made a hard left-hand turn.  And let me just say this before I go on...this turn of events is an answer to many, many prayers (spoken and unspoken).

I'm going back to work, people!  I haven't worked outside the home since I was pregnant with Sydney.  We're talking over seven years of being a stay-at-home mom.  Seven of the most rewarding years of my life, I might add.  My little man, Jackson, starts preschool next week, and Brooklyn enters kindergarten.  And God opened the door for me to work at their school. 

For several years I've put feelers out for a job...a means to help our family financially.  For several years every door I've knocked on has either closed or no one has even answered.  Until this year.  I didn't even touch the door, and the next thing I knew...I was offered a job...more than I expected.  If you were to pinch me, I'd swear I must be dreaming.  But I'm not.

Things are about to get interesting.  I am actually writing this post from the center of household chaos while dealing with multiple interruptions from three bored little ones.  (I'm going to try and make it a short one.)  

As I've been getting ready for the start up of school, preparing myself to go back to work and finishing up end of summer activities, my "to do" list continues to grow and grow and grow.  The perfectionist in me is stressing because of the driven nature to make sure everything is...well...perfect.  And I'm trying to keep all the balls in the air - this blog included - and I'm starting to worry that something is going to fall short of my high expectations, and I'm realizing that there is a deep cry within me for one thing. 

Balance.

In order to attain balance, I am going to have to restructure.  The first thing I am placing on the back burner is this blog.  I am not quitting...oh heavens no.  However, I will be cutting back on the number of posts produced.  If I have nothing to write, then I'm not going to write.  If I have no time to write, then I'm not going to write.  I am going to focus on quality...not quantity.  As of yet, I'm not sure what this is going to look like, or if I will eventually come up with a schedule of sorts.  However, the blog will have to get used to its new place in the priorities of my life.

My home is all a'bustle with excitement.  Rather than look at Brooklyn starting kindergarten as something to mourn, or the fact that my little guy is going to be in preschool, I have begun to celebrate this brand new season in our lives.  I'll be honest with you, change is not an easy thing for me.  But what I've learned in my very short life is that change can be my friend.  I am taking my kids on a journey to embrace change, and it all begins with me.  My attitude.  My countenance.  While I appreciate and cherish the past seven years as a gift from God, I can look ahead and know with confidence that this next season is also a gift from God.  And I'm ready to see what new things God has for us. 

It's going to get interesting.  And I can. not. wait.

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

The Scrambler

Jackson barely passed the height requirement for the "Scrambler" ride at the city amusement park.  I was hopeful that he'd still be too small, but we grow 'em up tall in the Slater family, so I shouldn't have been surprised when the girls squealed out that Jackson was tall enough.

In my mind I imagined the ride would take us up and down, around in circles a few times, and then we would be done.  Au contraire.  As I sat wedged between Sydney and Brooklyn, giddy with excitement, our enthusiastic "Woo hoo's" were slowly silenced as the "Scrambler" started to live up to its name.  Whipping us around like poor little eggs in a frying pan, I realized this ride was a bit more intense than a simple city park ferris wheel.  About the time the world around us turned into a blur of color, the smiles on Sydney's and my face disappeared and were replaced by looks of serious concern and deep concentration.  I kept envisioning our bucket seat flying off its steal arm and twirling into oblivion.  Brooklyn, however, didn't stop "woo hoo-ing" until the ride came to a complete halt.  In between mental pleas of, "Jesus, help us!" and heart palpitations, I tried to get a visual on the boys, but they were just out of view.  At the end, as we were unstrapping our tense bodies from the seats, my eye caught Joel's.  Jackson was good.  He loved every second of the ride.  My nerves calmed.

Why was I worried?  Joel's steady hand was on my little guy the whole ride.  The steal arm holding the bucket seats of the "Scrambler" was sturdy and trustworthy.  There was nothing to fear.  I spent a couple of minutes with my body stiff as a board when I should have been screaming with delight.  I think Brooklyn may have been the only one of the five of us who really let loose and had fun in the midst of the scramble.

What did I learn?  Life sometimes feels like we're riding on the "Scrambler".  There are so many uncertainties, thrills, terrifying twists and turns, but just like Joel's hand holding my little Jackson safe, God's hand is holding us...firm and secure.  His eye is upon us.  His attention never shifts.

I want to be more like Brooklyn as I ride the scrambler of life.  I want to release my grip and trust the steady hand that holds me; that hand that will never leave me.  Even when the world is spinning, and I'm not sure where the next dip in the ride is going to take me, I want to let go, feel the wind whip across my face, and trust the strong, capable arms of my Heavenly Father.

Life is a crazy ride, but we don't have to live it in fear.  I think God just wants us to sit back, "woo hoo" a little bit more, and trust Him...in every spin along the way.

Chiseled To Perfection

"Pain is dysfunction leaving the body..." - How People Grow. When a master cutter sits down to cut a diamond, he must keep in mind the amount of pressure and the angle of each cut that goes into the process.  It is tedious work.  It is work that requires great skill and patience.  The diamond, as it is being chiseled to perfection, loses parts of its original self in order to shine its brightest, and hold the greatest amount of value, light, and clarity as possible.

As God takes our imperfect lives and chisels them with his masterful hands, we most assuredly will feel the pain of his cut and the intensity of his pressure.  Yet, with each painful touch, something dysfunctional is cut away; the sickness and imperfections of our lives removed so that the brilliance of God's presence can be seen more clearly through us.

The discomfort of growth can almost cause us to halt or stunt the process.  We forego beauty and value for relief and temporary comfort.  This is sad.  This brings nothing but more pain...more dysfunction.

God is perfection.  The ultimate in beauty and radiance.  The more he chisels away the impurities of our lives, the more we are made perfect in him.  No...I'm not saying we will be perfect, but it is Christ in us that will be perfected.

I Corinthians 13:10 "When perfection comes, the imperfect disappears."

When the perfect Christ comes into our imperfect lives, the process of chipping away the old begins and continues throughout our lives.

It is Christ being made perfect in me that I long for.  I realize this desire comes at a price.  It comes at the hands of the Master Cutter.  He takes the rough diamond of my life, holds it in his hands, and begins the process of perfection.  While I can't say I take joy in the pain, I can say that the loss of dysfunction and flaws will one day be a testimony of God's faithful handiwork in me.

Chiseled to perfection.

Verdict In: Not Guilty

John 8:32 You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

When I was a little girl growing up in Kenya, my parents would pack up the family twice a year, and we would head off to a week-long missions retreat. During the day, my parents would sit through business meetings and sessions while the kids played or had some sort of structured activity time.  In the evening, we would all come together after dinner for a church-type service.

I loved going to our mission retreats.  They were truly the highlight of my year.  Whether it was the anticipation of going to the beach for a week, or seeing my MK friends who went to boarding school, or the super-cute MK boy who lived in Malawi (and all the girls swooned); there was so much to look forward to.  However, along with my giddy excitement came a nagging sense of guilt and fear.  Not only would I be seeing the cute boy from Malawi, but I would also be seeing lots of missionary Aunts and Uncles.  I loved my surrogate family very much; however, I lived in a perpetual state of fear that God was whispering in their ears all the bad thoughts I'd had, or the fact that I neglected to do my devotions for over a month, or the times I had lied to my mom and dad throughout the year.  They were about the most godly people I had ever known, and I was certain they were going to call me out, read my mail, and the true ugliness of my soul would be exposed.

This never happened, of course.  The only time someone had a word from the Lord for me was to encourage and uplift, never to condemn and judge.  Still, the fear was always there.

Interestingly, I still struggle with guilt.  Whether or not I've done anything wrong, I am always waiting with baited breath for someone to come and call me on the carpet for all my sins.  I have discovered that I am a victim of condemnation...and that has never been God's intention or plan for my life.

Paul tells us that there is no condemnation for those of us who are in (who know and are known by) Christ Jesus.  No condemnation.  No guilt.  As far as God is concerned, our slate has been washed clean, and we can stand before him blameless.  We are in Christ Jesus.

Jesus is truth.  Jesus is the embodiment of all that is right and holy.  If we are in him, and if we know him, then we know truth.  Truth sets us free.  And the truth is that God sent his Son to die on a cross and conquer death, so that our sins could be covered and forgiven.  The truth is that we are sinful people, in spite of being new creations, but because Jesus is in us, we receive a pardon for our past, present, and future.

Just as Jesus is the truth, he also reveals the truth.  This has been a powerful lesson for me.  I know Jesus.  Therefore, I can go to him, in whatever state I am in, and ask him to lead me and guide me in the truth.  I love how David articulated his plea for the truth in Psalm 139:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

If my mind is cloudy, and I am feeling the weight of oppressive guilt and shame, all I need to do is call on God.  Ask him to search my heart, invite him in to my thoughts, and allow him to lead me on the path that will bring him glory.  As he reveals his truth (not mine) to me, then I experience freedom in him.

If I have stumbled, then he gently lets me know, and he will guide me to repentance.  If I am simply walking along with undue guilt and shame, then he will bring clarity and assurance.  Either way, I am free.

The fact of the matter is those of us who are in Christ Jesus are no longer guilty.  Do we still sin?  Yes.  But true conviction, brought by the Holy Spirit, should not choke us up in guilty chains.  Rather, conviction of sin should motivate us to Godly sorrow and a hunger for repentance.  Guilt is not from God.  Shame and condemnation are not from God.

The verdict is in, my friends.  And it reads, "NOT GUILTY!"

*For more on this subject, I would highly encourage you to read the book How People Grow, by Cloud and Townsend (authors of Boundaries).

You Got A Friend In "Nee"

Way back (you know, back in the 90's) when the original Toy Story movie came out, a friend of mine took her two pre-school age nephews to see it.  Weeks following their big movie experience, the youngest was heard singing, "You got a friend in nee!"  Julie, my friend, tried to correct him explaining that the song actually says, "You got a friend in me...m-m-meeee!"  He would hear nothing of it and replied emphatically, "No, Aunt Ju-wee!  It's, 'You got a friend in nee...n-n-neeee!'"

Whichever interpretation works for you, I think it's safe to say that friendships are a gift, and Toy Story does an incredible job of reaching into the heart of what it means to be there for someone.

Over the past two weeks a phenomenal thing has happened to me.  Phenomenal in that I was the recipient of random acts of friendship.  I have friends all over the world.  Some I haven't seen since grade school, some not since college, and others I haven't seen in a couple of days.  Randomly, I received messages, texts, and even a great, big hug from several of these friends.  They were all praying for me.  I hadn't spoken to, nor even seen, some of these individuals, and yet God brought me to mind at a time that I really needed prayer.  How cool is that?  They had no idea what challenges I was facing, or that I had found three gray hairs that morning.  God used his people to reach out to me, and I felt encouraged to keep pressing on.

I learned two powerful things through this:

First, God is deeply concerned about every detail of my life, and while I may not receive audible messages straight from Heaven, He speaks to me through His Body of believers...my friends.  He knows what we need when we need it, and as imperfect as we are, He loves to use us to encourage one another.  My friends were obedient to God's prompting, and I was blessed.

Second, when God brings someone to my mind, and I pray for them, I need to let them know.  There are countless times when a person flashes through my mind.  I usually don't know what, or if anything, is going on with them, but I know I'm supposed to pray.  What I am realizing, however, is that it's not complete until I've let them know.

So often I think we feel isolated and alone in our circumstances.  Maybe being home all day with the kids, or working full-time and struggling to find balance, or focusing on a difficult transition finds us wondering if anyone knows where we are or the struggles we've been facing.  As a part of the Body of Christ, it is becoming more clear to me that reaching out with a quick word or hug is being Jesus to my friends.

It's a simple way of saying, "Hey!  You got a friend in nee!"

Friday's Free Advice:  If someone crosses your mind, stop, pray, and then let them know!

And So We Lick Our Wounds

Sydney was beside herself.  As I was pulling away from the carpool pick-up line I couldn't help but wonder who this little monster was in the back seat of my car.  She had asked me if we could go to Starbucks for a girls' day, and I had said no.  I warned her before I dropped her off at school that this Monday was not a "girls' day Monday".  Fair warning as far as I was concerned.  Either Sydney forgot our pre-school conversation, or she was attempting to talk me into changing my mind.  When she realized that there would be no argument from me, she lost it.  I was the meanest mommy in the world...for 20 (long) minutes. Several hours later, and after a little bedroom time for Sydney, we sat down and had a little talk.  I asked her what she was feeling?  We started talking about her day, her friends, and her math speed drill.  The more I pressed her about the speed drill I could see tears welling up in her eyes.  She hadn't finished hers in time and felt embarrassed in front of her friends, not to mention upset with herself for what she perceived as failure.  The tears grew into sobs as she continued to open up to me.

I knew in the car that Sydney's outrage was not really about me, even though at the time it was directed towards me.  I knew there was something else going on deep inside her and the only way she knew how to deal with her self-loathing was to react rather than look inward.  It was an easier way to go for her.  Rather than deal with the painful feelings, she tried to put her pain on me.

On the other hand, one can never tell when Brooklyn has been hurt or offended.  It's not until she runs away and hides from us that we realize something, or someone, has upset her.  Sometimes she simply disappears, without a peep.  When Brooklyn has been found she is usually curled up in a ball, whimpering in sorrow.  It takes incredible patience and a gentle hand to get her to open up and express what is truly bothering her.  Rather than speak up when the offense has taken place, Brooklyn prefers to withdraw, run away, and hide from the very people who love her and want to help her.

As I was thinking about my girls and how they deal with their hurts, I was reminded of how we, as adults, do the same thing.  We may not throw our bodies on the floor in protest or let others see our ugly sides, however, in our own way we either lash out or run and hide when someone has hurt or offended us.

Sometimes we say mean things to people.  Sometimes we call them on the phone and give them a good earful.  We feel justified.  We are going to have our say, regardless of the other person's feelings.  Sadly, the end of this scenario is usually pain on both sides, and a broken relationship.  The reaction to hurt brings more hurt.  Rather than looking inside at our own brokenness we look at everybody else and blame them.  It is too painful to face the real problem, in the immediate.  However, the consequence of never facing the reality and root of our pain is a pain that will live with us for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes we simply run away and hide.  We pull a "Brooklyn".  We've been offended.  We've been hurt.  We feel overlooked or perhaps insecure about our ranking in a relationship.  Rather than speak up and say something, we distance ourselves to the point of isolation.  Instead of choosing vulnerability, which hurts for a brief moment in time, we walk through life never knowing the power and fulfillment of true relationship.  We are afraid of being abandoned, so we abandon.  We walk away from the very people (imperfect and flawed, to be sure) who love us and care about us.

We are lying to ourselves if we believe that the deep, dark issues inside of us will eventually go away if we either find the perfect friend, family, church, or job.  If we never learn to stop and take a closer look within, we will forever be attacking and withdrawing and sadly, never growing.  If we want to grow, and I believe we really do, then we must put a stop to the way we handle pain.

The pain we feel, if we will allow ourselves to feel it, can actually lead us and guide towards healing.  It's hard work.  It requires risk and trust and reaching out and vulnerability, acceptance of our role in the pain and willingness to confront our fears.  When we read or hear what healing involves we choke up, we resist, we justify, and if we're not ready to go there yet, we run away and lick our wounds.  Because this seems a much easier option.

Cloud and Townsend in their book "How People Grow" write:

"Bad pain comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the suffering it would take to change them, because many times people suffer because of their own character faults.  Bad pain is basically wasted pain.  It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through.  It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and true hurt that needs to be worked through."

As harsh as this may seem, and going deep into our pain can be brutal, there is a heaping load of grace, love and forgiveness that God pours out on us as we take this step.  He reveals his presence through his Word, but most importantly he reveals his character through fellow believers walking the path along with us.  We are never alone.  God's word promises he will never leave us nor forsake us.  I believe that includes his people, too.

Here is yet another growth step: will we lick our wounds or risk exposure of our wounds so they may heal?

Simple...but not easy.

Revisiting My Spot In The Sand...

Psalm 139:17&18

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with you.

Yesterday morning I awoke anxious and worried.  These feelings left me with a longing to return to my spot in the sand where the soul was renewed and peace settled deep inside.  There is no better cure for moments like these than opening up the Word of God.  Immediately, I turned to Psalm 139.  It became my prayer.

Search me.

Know me.

Take my anxious thoughts.

Lead me.

I was drawn to verses 17 and 18.  His thoughts towards me outnumber the grains of sand.

Sand - soul therapy.

I'm on his mind.  And so are you.

Nothing can separate us from his love...

Romans 8:38 & 39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"When I awake, I am still with you..."

"Nothing can separate us from the love of God..."

I am revisiting my spot in the sand...and I am feeling restored once again...

Simple, But Not Easy

Trust and obey.

If I could sum up what God has been whispering to my heart over the past year, it would be these two simple words: trust and obey.  When I begin to worry about the future, or my children, or finances, or ministry, or the housing market, he gently reminds me to trust and obey.

Simple, but not easy.

Trust requires me to give up control.  Trust implies that I am not to worry, fret, or concern myself with how everything is going to work out, but to rest in God's strength.  Trusting God when nothing in the world proves trustworthy.

Obedience requires me to step out in faith - to take action regardless of how I feel or what common sense would say.  When the Spirit prompts me to speak, move forward, pause, or hold my tongue, I must obey.  God's ways are far beyond our ways, far beyond our understanding.  But his ways always have our best interest at heart.

A simple "formula" for spiritual growth, but certainly not an easy one.  He doesn't demand self-sufficiency but complete God-sufficiency.  He doesn't ask us to figure it out, come up with a plan, or get our ducks in a row.  He doesn't expect perfection.  He asks us to let go, trust, and follow.

To find the very thing we are looking for- the beauty of  life in Christ that we've been bumping around in the dark for- we must stop wreckless wandering and start trusting and obeying.  Abandoning ourselves for the glory of God.

So, how do we do this?  How do we trust and obey?  How do we step out in this very noble endeavor?  First, we can not do it on our own.  We need God, and we need others.  So relieved am I that I don't walk this spiritual path alone.  Not only is there a deep intrinsic desire in me for relationship and friendship, but this is also God's desire for me.  None of us were intended to live our lives as lone rangers.  We were created for fellowship.  On my own, I will spend a lifetime striving to trust and obey.  And on my own, I will fail.  However, when I find myself facing a challenge, requiring more of me than I can give, that is when I call out to God, and I call on a friend.  No matter what situation demands my trust and obedience, I can overcome through God's strength and the strength he pours out through a fellow believer.

With the support of a friend or friends, I receive the direction given to me by the Holy Spirit, and I am empowered to trust and obey.  It's not about willpower but the will to allow God's power to work in my life and through the life of The Body of Christ.

Is this an easy answer?  Probably not, but spiritual growth is not easy.  Spiritual growth hurts.  Just as the body endures the pains of growth, so do our spirits when God is pressing in to us and drawing us to a deeper relationship.  Reaching out to people, too, requires trust.  And for some that is too high a risk.  At some point in our lives, however, we have to make a conscious decision to reach out and take that risk.  Otherwise, we will stay the same forever, repeating behaviors, feeling frustrated and disappointed with God, and ultimately feeling the weight of failure on our shoulders because we just can't seem to figure out how to get beyond this place.

Simple, but not easy.

Know When To Hold 'Em...Know When To Fold 'Em

Almost four years ago I had a vision.  Not a spooky, smoke in the sky, angelic manifestation.  It was more along the lines of a God-inspired dream to start a mom's group at our church.  It would be a no frills, sit and enjoy coffee while the kids run around and play, kind of group.  No agenda, no expectation, simply come as you are.  As I dreamed and prayed, I envisioned this group growing and expanding into somewhat of a book club/close-knit/monthly girls' night out circle of friends.       

A year later (June 2007) we kicked-off the group with a bang.  By September it almost seemed the dream was a bust.  I blogged a bit about the ups and downs of starting this ministry last summer.  There were many growing pains, to say the least. 

Three years after pouring blood, sweat, and tears into something very near and dear to my heart, I sensed, once again, God speaking to me.  He wasn't guiding me to reinvent the group, or invigorating  me with fresh, new vision.  This time he was asking me to let it go. 

At first I wasn't ready to receive that direction.  I prayed about it for months...MONTHS!  Deep, deep down I knew God was redirecting my focus, and the moms group was not going to be a part of this new season in my life.  However, I'm very tenacious, and I wasn't ready to let go until I witnessed the fulfillment of my vision.

Never have Kenny Roger's words from "The Gambler" rung more true: You got to know when to hold 'em...know when to fold 'em.  Know when to walk away...know when to run...

While I don't take deep spiritual guidance from Kenny Rogers, or equate ministry to gambling, I would have to say that he isn't too far from reality on this one.  Trusting God, and stepping out in a new ministry can be somewhat of a gamble.  We don't know what the final outcome will be, and there is no guarantee that we will see a fair amount of success.  There will be seasons when we must "hold 'em" and seasons when we must "fold 'em".  It was becoming more and more clear to me that it was time to "fold" the moms group.

I stepped down from leading MomsConnect in June.  My co-leader sensed God was changing directions in her life as well, and she too stepped down.  It ends without fanfare, without a lot of noise, and without a spotlight.  It ends in much the same way it began...quietly and anonymously. 

As I look at the life of MomsConnect I have seen the ebb and flow of a group that was never meant to be exclusive.  Initially I envisioned a large group of women, connecting and engaging life with one another.  But here is the reality: MomsConnect has served and reached a countless number of women, just not at the same time.  As families have moved away, moms have returned to work, or new life seasons have pulled women in new directions, MomsConnect has evolved too.  In my finite vision I saw these individuals collectively.  In God's vision he saw them individually.  Coming and going...MomsConnect being the place where they found community during a specific season of time.

Ministry success is oftentimes measured by numbers.  If the numbers are high, then the ministry is succeeding.  If the numbers are dropping, or low, then the ministry is "suffering".  Unless MomsConnect hit a high note and stayed there, I figured everything I put my heart into was failure.  However, God has shown me through this journey of letting go, it has been my obedience, and not the final outcome of the group, that deems it successful.  I may have been imperfect in my delivery and leadership, but I didn't fail God.

If Kenny's words still don't cut it for you, perhaps something a little more spiritual, like the Bible, will help convince you:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 14

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.  God does it so that men will revere him."

Letting go of a dream can be difficult, but we have to remember who's dream it was in the first place.  If we are trusting God, and walking in obedience to the calling he has placed on our lives, then we can rest assured that our sacrifices have eternal value.  If it is a season of holding on, then hold on.  If it is a season to fold, then fold.  Either way, it all belongs to God, and there is nothing that can add or take away from the work he is doing in our lives.

On The Lips!

Sitting at my aunt's dining room table, enjoying the company of family and good food, we were suddenly jolted from our adult conversation by shrieks and squeals coming from above.  Five little second cousins, and one baby cousin who was trying to take a power nap, were getting their wild things on.  We heard a lot of giggling, a few thuds here and there, and several unidentified sounds.  The baby's mom came to his rescue and reported to the rest of us what she witnessed amongst the chaos.  There was one little girl cousin puckering up her lips, one little boy cousin awaiting his doom, while three little girl cousins jumped wildly on an air mattress chanting, "On the lips! On the lips!"  Before Sydney could plant a nice, big smooch on her poor cousin James' cheek, the grown ups intervened, capturing the whole thing on video.  (Lord, have mercy!) We are a close family, but...well...not that close.

All silliness aside, it was truly amazing to me how quickly my children bonded with my cousins' children.  James and Sydney were babies the last time we were together, and since that time, we've added a few family members.  Without skipping a beat, our children fell in love (not the romantic kind of love) instantaneously.  They played their hearts out every day in the ocean's waves and couldn't wait to see each other the next day.  For almost two weeks, they were inseperable.

Saying goodbye was emotional and bittersweet.  Buckets of tears were shed by all the little ones (and the big ones too...saying goodbye is hard no matter how old you are).  I hate parting ways with those I dearly love, but I am grateful that when we go our separate ways, there is a deep longing in all of us for the next time we will see each other again.  And I am grateful that we have inadvertantly passed that down to our children.

James was Sydney's first real crush.  They bonded - on their boogie boards, riding waves, and sharing his goggles - the stuff that real romance is made of.  This summer will hold a fond memory for both of them, and as they grow older, they will realize how blessed they are to be family.

When I start to feel the twinge of sadness that missing my family brings, I only have to remember, "On the lips!  On the lips!" and a smile is quick to cross my face.  As my cousin's wife remarked, "There are places in the south where marrying a second cousin is perfectly normal...but we are not from those parts."

Amen to that.

Sand

As I anticipated my return home from vacation I could feel the creative juices swooshing in my head.  Sitting still while the waves of the Atlantic crashed at my feet, new insights poured into my mind like the ocean water filling every sandy nook and cranny of the warm, dry beach where I perched like a hungry seagull.  I have often said that I find myself again when I am at the beach.  Salty air, sunshine, time with family, piles of shells collected in a make-shift bucket,  and the sound of the ocean faithfully restore clarity and peace of mind.

Sydney asked me what sand is made of.  I explained to her that sand is simply rock, shells, and coral that have been crushed into tiny pieces by pounding waves.  This process takes years and years and years.  The constant jostling and ripping from the weight of ruthless waters breaks apart these hard objects  and turns them into the soft sand we love to sink our toes into.

I'm home now, but my heart is still processing the simple lessons of the sea.

Are we not all a little bit like the tiny grains of sand on the ocean floor?  We get knocked down and crushed by the relentless waves of hurt, personal pain, and fear.   Shame and condemnation break us to pieces and leave us scattered along the beaches of life.

And then God comes in.  God restores.  God makes something beautiful out of our sharp edges and disfigured forms.  He offers grace where once we were pounded with condemnation.  He ministers mercy where once we were hammered with judgment.  He softens our hearts through the pain...through every wave that threatens to destroy.

Grace has brought me back to my little spot on the sand with the hot sun kissing my shoulders and the foamy broken waves tickling my feet.  Grace has washed over the condemnation, and grace has set me free.  Grace is softening my hard corners and smoothing out my rough edges.

Back In The Saddle Again

We made it home.  Always a miracle, to say the least.  Aside from one suitcase and one car seat still MIA, six flight delays, one missed flight, a water spill, one potty accident, and finally making it home at one in the morning, all five Slater bodies are well and accounted for.  

The last words out of my mouth as our weary, travelling heads hit the pillows this morning were, "Dear God, please don't let the kids get up before 10am!" 

They were up at 6:30.

I've spent the first three hours of my first morning home paying bills, going through hundreds of e-mails, digging through our cupboards and fridge for breakfast foods that are still edible after two weeks away, and chugging down coffee like water. 

My suitcase is still packed.  Can I just head to the airport and hop on the first plane back to North Carolina?  I called my mom this morning, and they were at the beach.  Post vacation depression has officially set in.  All five of us have shed rivers of tears.  I miss my family back East, Sydney is mourning the end of her first summer crush, and wouldn't you know it...Portland is gray and drizzly.  Really.  Can I please get back on a plane now?  I'm not kidding.

Vacation is over.  That's the reality.  I'm slowly working my way back into the saddle again.  Being away, and being unplugged, gave me thousands of minutes to think, process, and reevaluate my life.  Walks on the beach, conversations with my family, and much empty time has given me a fresh perspective that I believe I lacked before.  My core values have not changed, but there are changes to the way I live them out that I want to make. 

One of the changes will be to unplug more frequently.  Amazingly, I had no withdrawals or negative side effects from little internet access.  On the contrary, I found myself liberated and peaceful.  I need more of that. 

And so, I'm going to wrap up my first post-vacation blog post, and get to work on unpacking my suitcase.  There's a high probability that tears will be shed in the process.   If you think about it...pray for me! :)

And have no fear...I've got a lot of stuff in this head of mine to share with you!  Little by little, it will all leak out.

Unplugging...Temporarily

To my dear friends and readers...  

I'm about to embark on a long anticipated vacation.  I'll be beachin' it for two weeks with my family: the "Slater 5", parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

I. can. not. wait.

There will be lots of reading, sleeping, coffee drinking, coffee talking, beach walking, ocean diving, and seafood eating.  There will not be much of anything else: house cleaning, laundry doing, dinner cooking, e-mail corresponding, tweeting, or blogging.  We're unplugging for two weeks and, while little to no internet access makes me a tad bit nervous, I'm anticipating a very relaxing get-away.

I'm sure two weeks will give me plenty of new material to share with you when I return home.  (Flying across the country with three little people.  Lord, have mercy!)

Until then, this is where I'll be...

Friday's Free Advice - Listen To Mom

I was two seconds away from hitting delete and completely doing away with my blog this week.  Then, my dear husband sent me this article written by Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing.  I read it.  It was timely.  I needed a good reminder that, sometimes, I have to go back to the reason and purpose I started blogging and forget all the other stuff.  I decided to keep the blog.  

I started working on my "Friday's Free Advice" today, got five hundred words into it, and stopped.  I called my mom, had a long talk about what's been bumming me out recently, read what I had written out loud to her, and then I deleted the entire draft.  "Too self-deprecating," was her observation.  She went on to encourage me that I can't forget the purpose for which I started my blog and allow these small seasons to develop the gifts and passions that God has given to me.

My mom was right.

I was getting a little side-tracked by a negative response I received from someone I don't even know a few weeks ago.  It was passive-aggressive in nature and really hurt.  (This just goes to show that I haven't quite developed a tough skin yet, which I'm sure takes time.)  Instead of writing from a position of conviction, I was beginning to second-guess every word I typed.  Shame.

So, today I am starting over.  Today is a brand new day...with no mistakes in it yet.  Today I am going to dish out the best advice I can muster up.  Today I am going to give you "Amy" in all her...um...glory?  (Glory is probably stretching it a bit, but I'll just go with it for now.)

Today's Friday's Free Advice: Listen to mom.  She's usually right.  (And Michael Hyatt.  He's got good things to say, too.)

If you are feeling discouraged or frustrated about something near and dear to your heart - parenting, marriage, ministry, career, writing, blogging...whatever it may be - go back to the beginning.  Search your heart and remember why you started out on this journey in the first place.  Rediscover the dream.  Realize that, while you may not be where you want to be right now, you are closer today than you were yesterday.  We all have so far to go, and it's easy to get discouraged or side tracked, but the hope we have is that God isn't finished with us yet.  There's more to your story...and this is only the beginning.