Out Of Poverty

She didn't have anything.  She was probably all crumpled up with tender joints and dim with age.  Her posture low due to her poverty and humility.  She was the poorest of the poor.  And yet...she gave out of her nothing and gave God everything. I haven't been able to get this poor widow woman from Mark 12 out of my mind for the past week.  "She gave out of her poverty." We have no concept of what poverty really looks like or feels like.

When I was a little girl growing up in Kenya, we would drive by a very large slum area every single day on our way to school.  The stench was unbearable, and the filth unimaginable.  There were no satellite dishes or television antenna poking out from the sea of flat roofs and tin structures.  There was nothing but mud, manure, mounds of garbage, and smokey charcoal fires.  This is poverty.

I know what it's like when finances are tight.  There have been many times when we've had to cut back on our spending and watch every penny.  But the poverty I witnessed in Kenya is something I will never identify with.

Mark 12:41-44

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury.  Many rich people threw in large amounts.  But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.  Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others.  They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on."

There is a great deal of conviction in that passage of Scripture.  Giving out of poverty.  My heart is aching.  How much of my life have I given to Christ?  How much priority do I give to the eternal, and what place do material things have in my little world?  Have I given so much of myself that it hurts?  Can I say that my day has been well spent?  Is the source of my security in how much I have here on earth, or in the steadfast faithfulness of God?  What am I attached to?

The poor widow had nothing of material wealth, and yet she still gave.  The things of this world meant nothing to her.  Her life was more than her current circumstances.  Her priority was God, and giving him everything, knew her source was not in the copper coins, but in her creator.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit."

When we give out of our poverty God sees, and he is honored.

I wonder if perhaps Jesus is not simply implying monetary poverty, but spiritual and emotional poverty as well?  What if his message in this little blip of history is that he is not impressed when we give ourselves out of our natural giftings and comfort zones, but when we give of ourselves beyond what we have naturally or comfortably?  I think God is more interested in a heart that is completely dependent upon him, and willing to give, even when there is nothing left to spend.  I think God is not impressed so much with how beautiful the gift is, but how beautiful is the heart of the giver.

I feel challenged to take my eyes off of the natural, off of those things I can see and touch, and begin allowing God to lead and direct my steps, even if he takes me outside of my comfort zone.  I believe he wants us to give ourselves out of our most impoverished parts.  Because when we give out of our nothing, we give God our everything.

Bitterness Does Not Become You

Herodias wanted John the Baptist's head on a platter.  She was an angry woman spurred on by the cancer of bitterness that permeated her entire being.  The NIV says she "nursed a grudge."  She was not only offended by John's confrontation of her sin, but she invested time and energy into nursing her wound and allowing her grudge to grow and metastasize.  Which ultimately ended in a head, literally, on a platter. Bitterness is unbecoming.  It is ugliness personified.

I'm going to speculate that each one of us has been either confronted by the truth and didn't like it very much, and found our feelings for our confronter to be less than warm, or we've been hurt deeply by someone, knowingly or unknowingly, and the pain of that wound has transformed into anger and mistrust.

Being confronted with a sin in our lives is uncomfortable, at best.  None of us wants to hear the truth from someone we love and respect, or hear a sermon that pinches just a little too hard.  It's downright painful.  Even so, the bitterness that stems from this pain is wasted.  Seriously.  Confess your sins and God is faithful to forgive.  Then move on.  It is pride that makes us hold on to our grudge for dear life.

On the other hand, being hurt by someone is not the same thing.  Whether or not the blow was intentional, pain is pain, and it's very difficult to simply forgive and get over it.  Bitterness is almost understandable.  However, it is still bitterness, and left unresolved, leads to death.  A nursed grudge over time becomes anger.  And anger leads us to do things we would never fathom doing in our right mind.

Herodias wanted to kill John the Baptist, but she couldn't, at least not yet.  Eventually she found a way.  She not only succeeded in killing John, but she brought her daughter into her bitterness too.

Mark 6:22-28

When the daughter of Herodias came in and danced, she pleased Herod and his dinner guests.  The king said to the girl, "Ask me for anything you want, and I'll give it to you."  and he promised her with an oath, "Whatever you ask I will give you, up to half my kingdom."  She went out and said to her mother, "What shall I ask for?"  "The head of John the Baptist," she answered.  At once the girl hurried in to the king with the request: "I want you to give me right now the head of John the Baptist on a platter."  The king was greatly distressed, but because of his oaths and his dinner guests, he did not want to refuse her.  So he immediately sent an executioner with orders to bring John's head.  The man went, beheaded John in the prison, and brought back his head on a platter.  He presented it to the girl, and she gave it to her mother.

The Message translation describes Herodias as a woman "smoldering with hate."  When I read this passage I was immediately convicted of the petty grievances I have held on to.  We are so easily offended, are we not?  We blindly get caught up in our offenses that we forget how to work things out with each other (Matthew 18:15-20).  Whether or not our pain is justified, bitterness never is.  It always lands back in our own laps.  I've been hurt, rightly or wrongly, so what am I going to do with this?  Am I going to allow bitterness to fester inside, and eventually spill out onto my children?  Am I willing to let the light within me die out?

God is aware of our pain.  He isn't demanding something from us that he hasn't already experienced.  He died so we wouldn't have to.  He forgave us so that we would know how to forgive others.  I'll be honest, I don't want to end up like Herodias.  I don't want my legacy to say, "Amy went down smoldering with hate."  I want to be a beautiful testimony of grace and forgiveness, love and compassion.  I can't be that and hold a grudge at the same time.

And what about you?  Have you been confronted lately and you would like nothing more than to see a head on a platter?  Or have you been hurt by someone, and all you want is to see them suffer the way you feel you have suffered?  Either way, bitterness does not become you.  Don't nurse the grudge.  Do something productive with your pain.  Confess your sin, if you have sinned, and get on with your life.  Or confront that person who has hurt you, seek out reconciliation and get on with your life.

Don't hold on to your grudge...hold on to freedom.

It's Been A Good One...

I could hear the squeals and giggles traveling down the hallway this morning.  The kids were awake on their first day of Christmas break.  Joel offered to get up and take care of breakfast.  I started thinking about making the coffee.  Then, before we jumped up to start the day, we remembered that my parents were downstairs ready to attend to the needs of our children.  Relieved, we rolled over and drifted back to sleep.

As I lay there, eyes closed, I began to reflect on the past year.  My thoughts lingered upon, and recounted,  all the blessings God has poured out on my family.  As the list grew, tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.  Overwhelmed by his graciousness, his faithfulness, and his mercy, I whispered a faint "Thank you" to the One who has made all things complete.  To the One who heard my spoken and unspoken prayers and pleas - to the One who heard the heart behind my words - and turned his ear to me.

One year ago I struggled to find joy in the season.  I found peace and contentment in the One to whom the season belongs, but there was nothing extraordinary that marked the passing year.  Thankful for God's faithfulness, I wrapped up the year realizing that God was good even without a lot of fan-fair and magic.  Looking ahead to 2010, I honestly had no big expectations.  I never dreamed that so much could change in one year.

One year ago, I was simply grateful for the mercy and grace God extended to me.  A year later, I continue to be grateful for God's mercy and grace.  This year, however, I have seen that God not only gives us joy in difficulties, or hope in dire circumstances, but he also seasons our lives with moments of unbridled happiness.

Happiness oftentimes gets a bad wrap because it is contingent upon our circumstances.  We are taught that the joy of the Lord is of greater value than fleeting moments of happiness.  Yet, this year has revealed to me something quite contrary.  God allows us to feel happy...genuinely happy...because he is that kind of loving Father.  He allows us to go through hard times, difficult seasons, and painful experiences, so that the depth of our faith is substantial and sound, and our joy is complete in God and God alone.  However, he doesn't forget that a dose of happiness every now and then is as equally satisfying and fulfilling as a joyful disposition.  When my kids wake up on Christmas morning, eyes bulging from the pile of gifts and treasures under our tree, I take great delight in their uninhibited happiness.  God is the same way.  When happy moments come, and we enjoy them fully, I believe he, too, sits back and smiles with delight.

This year, I am feeling overwhelmed with not only the peace that passes understanding that God has poured into my heart, but I am bursting at the seams with sheer happiness.  God has not only satisfied my needs this year, but he has also satisfied the desires of my heart.  Today I am reflecting upon and enjoying these happy moments.

One year.  One God.  One moment to say thank you to the One from whom ALL blessings flow.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow...Miraculous!

A friend of mine has been going through a difficult season.  It seemed that when things couldn't quite possibly get worse, well...they did.  Two days ago God did a miracle in her life.  He not only answered a prayer that would effect her present circumstances, but he took care of past issues that were holding her captive and even went so far as to insure the future need was already met.  He answered my friend's prayer completely.  He met her need from yesterday, supplied for today, and gave her hope for the future.  That is miraculous.  That, to me, is God doing what God does best.  My friend will have plenty to share around her Thanksgiving table this year. I was concerned my last post might have been a bit too extreme.  Then, my dear friend shared her miracle with me and I thought to myself, "That's what I'm talking about!"  That's it!  Now, to be sure, my friend has been going through a long desert season.  This answer didn't come without months of tears shed, laying her heart and soul at the feet of Christ.  How, when, and why God moves and works in our circumstances is not for us to know, or even understand. God is a mystery, and many times what he wills and allows does not make sense to us.  But I am encouraged that, even if it takes my entire life, God will complete the work he began.  The prayers offered with a sincere heart do not fall on deaf ears.  He knows.  He cares.  And he is working in unseen realms to finish what he started.  He takes care of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  He is a miraculous God.

I love Thanksgiving.  I love hearing about what God is doing in the lives of others.  I am encouraged in my faith when I hear others boast about what the Lord has done for them.  On that note, it is your turn to share what God has done for you.  What are you thankful for today?  What are you believing God to complete in your life?  Share as much, or little, as you would like!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Complete

There are difficult seasons of life that God, in his sovereignty, allows us to walk through.  Loss, depression, fear, or sickness, they sneak up and shake the ground beneath us.  In moments of faith and clarity we speak beyond our circumstances and look to the hope that awaits us.  But sometimes those seasons last longer than we expected.  They linger.  They outstay their welcome, and we begin to wonder- uncomfortably shifting in our position of faith-  if perhaps there will be no end to the night.  We acknowledge that God is our Savior and that he can do all things, but maybe he has no intention of moving this particular mountain from our way.  Maybe this is as good as it will ever get.  We trudge along, living heavy lives with unmet expectations.  

I am certain we can all agree that every good and perfect gift comes from our Heavenly Father.  I have only to look upon the precious faces of my three little ones and there is no doubt in my mind that this is true.  Looking back on all the ways God has provided for my family, spared us grief and heartache, and walked alongside us through difficulties over this past year, I am confident that my God takes care of me.  My God cares.  However, dissatisfaction has been growing over the past few months.  At first, this lack of satisfaction was directed towards God.  While he has answered some of my prayers, there were always loose ends that never seemed to be taken care of.  I thought God was a God who not only answered prayer, but also took care of the details.  Without sounding like an ingrate, I was really expecting more from God.  As the dissatisfaction grew, my heart became more and more stirred to look at the way I was praying and to what degree of faith I was believing.  It didn't take long for me to realize that it wasn't God who was neglecting to tie up the loose ends and complete the answer.  Rather, it was my lack of faith that God could really answer my prayers completely.  I was only believing for a piece-mealed answer instead of believing for a full-fledged miracle.  And I will admit, I have lived out this small and cynical faith most of my life.

God is the God of the complete.  He is not the God of half-hearted answers.  He doesn't throw us a bone every now and then in order to keep us loosely tethered to his side.  God is the God who promises to deliver us, and that deliverance is final.  God is the God that promised to provide and supply all of our needs, and the supply he brings is an abundant one, overflowing.  God is the God who heals and leaves no trace of sickness behind.  God is the God of completion.

My faith has been about as big as the answers I've been given, and I believe God is stirring my heart to a bigger more adventurous kind of faith.  A faith that believes in complete answers.  A faith that believes in a complete God.

Judges 6:16 "The Lord answered, 'I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together.'"  God was speaking to Gideon, who was a lot like me in the faith department, and exhorting him that when Gideon stepped out to fight, God would complete the battle.  It wouldn't be a piece-mealed victory.  It would be a complete victory.

I Chronicles 16:11,12 "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek His face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgements he pronounced."

Isaiah 45:2-3 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.  I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Matthew 17:20-21 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."

I am believing for a complete answer to prayer.  I am placing my faith, not in what I can understand or conceptualize, but in a God who promises to do a complete work.  I am believing that God is the God of completion, and I am waiting in expectation.

So, what about those seasons of unmet expectations?  What about those years of God's silence?

God allows us to drink the bitter waters of pain, sorrow, loss, and silence for one reason, and that is so we may be able to give God the glory when the sweet springs of restoration and healing pour into and then out of our lives.  Nothing happens to us, or in us, that hasn't first passed through the hands of our Savior.  He never allows us to drink bitter waters without his permission.  And he never permits something that will not fit into the complete picture of his deliverance and answer.  Even the dark seasons serve a purpose in the completion of his victory.  And when the mountain that has blocked our way for too many years tumbles once and for all into the sea of our past, we will stand in awe of a God who has never left us, has been in constant contact, and not once took his hand from our lives.  And the glory belongs to him.

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Believing God for bigger things.  Trusting his ways in the completion of the answer.  Never wavering, but always hoping.  And when it is done, it will be COMPLETE!

Uprooted

If there is pain, or struggle, or an unhealthy coping mechanism that you just can't seem to break free from, the only way you will ever know true deliverance is if you pull it out by the roots.  You have to dig deep inside, go straight to the source of the problem, face it head on, and yank it out will all your might.  Yes, it will hurt.  Yes, there may be a season of sowing tears and heart ache, but if you want to be free...really free...you have to go to the root of the problem. Wouldn't it be wonderful if God would zap us with one magical finger every time we had an emotional breakdown, addiction, or sin issue in our lives - that we could experience instant, gratifying healing?  I know there have been many times when I've been in a heap of hurt and brokenness, and my first thought has been, "If God would just hit me with his best shot, I would be happy, renewed, and ready to take on the world."  For whatever reason, God has never chosen to do anything instantly in my life.  On the contrary, he has allowed me to go through long and painful seasons of discovery and healing.  I am human, and I would much prefer instant gratification.  However, just as we all have to learn delayed gratification in our day-to-day lives, God knows that many times instant healing would never allow us to learn, grow, and uncover the deeper mystery of our Heavenly Father.  If I truly want to walk in freedom,  I have to allow God to literally uproot my life.  I have to allow him complete access to dig deep inside, reveal the root of my issues, and then pull them out.  Otherwise, all I am getting is a counterfeit healing.

I don't know about you, but I want real healing.  I want something that is going to last, and I want to walk away complete in him.  Weeds that simply get a nice trim are still weeds, and they will grow back.  Weeds that have been pulled out by the root are gone for good, and that's the kind of healing that I want.  Healing that is done for good.

How do we do this?  Where do we start?

First, recognize and admit there is a problem in your life.  Come to grips with the dysfunction, and stop trying to avoid facing the facts.

Second, reach out to God.  Ask him for his help, and surrender your life to his hands.

Third, surround yourself with godly people whom you trust that can be a support, provide accountability, and walk through this journey of healing alongside you.  We have been given the church - the Body of Christ - as a gift.  Not just a group of people to hang out with and enjoy a good bar-b-que with from time to time (which is wonderful, for sure), but a group of people that will speak truth in love and offer authentic friendship.  Don't be afraid to reach out.

Fourth, as the Body of Christ is doing its work, you, too, must do your work.  Be proactive in the healing process.  The longer you wait, holding out for God to zap you, the longer you delay your day of freedom.

When Jesus healed in the Bible, it was never just that one issue that the person brought to him.  His healing was always, and is still always, multi-dimentional.  He healed the whole person, from the inside out.  I realize these four steps may seem a bit simplified, but they are a start to delving deeper to the root of your problem, and allowing God to uproot your life multi-dimensionally.

Verdict In: Not Guilty

John 8:32 You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

When I was a little girl growing up in Kenya, my parents would pack up the family twice a year, and we would head off to a week-long missions retreat. During the day, my parents would sit through business meetings and sessions while the kids played or had some sort of structured activity time.  In the evening, we would all come together after dinner for a church-type service.

I loved going to our mission retreats.  They were truly the highlight of my year.  Whether it was the anticipation of going to the beach for a week, or seeing my MK friends who went to boarding school, or the super-cute MK boy who lived in Malawi (and all the girls swooned); there was so much to look forward to.  However, along with my giddy excitement came a nagging sense of guilt and fear.  Not only would I be seeing the cute boy from Malawi, but I would also be seeing lots of missionary Aunts and Uncles.  I loved my surrogate family very much; however, I lived in a perpetual state of fear that God was whispering in their ears all the bad thoughts I'd had, or the fact that I neglected to do my devotions for over a month, or the times I had lied to my mom and dad throughout the year.  They were about the most godly people I had ever known, and I was certain they were going to call me out, read my mail, and the true ugliness of my soul would be exposed.

This never happened, of course.  The only time someone had a word from the Lord for me was to encourage and uplift, never to condemn and judge.  Still, the fear was always there.

Interestingly, I still struggle with guilt.  Whether or not I've done anything wrong, I am always waiting with baited breath for someone to come and call me on the carpet for all my sins.  I have discovered that I am a victim of condemnation...and that has never been God's intention or plan for my life.

Paul tells us that there is no condemnation for those of us who are in (who know and are known by) Christ Jesus.  No condemnation.  No guilt.  As far as God is concerned, our slate has been washed clean, and we can stand before him blameless.  We are in Christ Jesus.

Jesus is truth.  Jesus is the embodiment of all that is right and holy.  If we are in him, and if we know him, then we know truth.  Truth sets us free.  And the truth is that God sent his Son to die on a cross and conquer death, so that our sins could be covered and forgiven.  The truth is that we are sinful people, in spite of being new creations, but because Jesus is in us, we receive a pardon for our past, present, and future.

Just as Jesus is the truth, he also reveals the truth.  This has been a powerful lesson for me.  I know Jesus.  Therefore, I can go to him, in whatever state I am in, and ask him to lead me and guide me in the truth.  I love how David articulated his plea for the truth in Psalm 139:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

If my mind is cloudy, and I am feeling the weight of oppressive guilt and shame, all I need to do is call on God.  Ask him to search my heart, invite him in to my thoughts, and allow him to lead me on the path that will bring him glory.  As he reveals his truth (not mine) to me, then I experience freedom in him.

If I have stumbled, then he gently lets me know, and he will guide me to repentance.  If I am simply walking along with undue guilt and shame, then he will bring clarity and assurance.  Either way, I am free.

The fact of the matter is those of us who are in Christ Jesus are no longer guilty.  Do we still sin?  Yes.  But true conviction, brought by the Holy Spirit, should not choke us up in guilty chains.  Rather, conviction of sin should motivate us to Godly sorrow and a hunger for repentance.  Guilt is not from God.  Shame and condemnation are not from God.

The verdict is in, my friends.  And it reads, "NOT GUILTY!"

*For more on this subject, I would highly encourage you to read the book How People Grow, by Cloud and Townsend (authors of Boundaries).

You Got A Friend In "Nee"

Way back (you know, back in the 90's) when the original Toy Story movie came out, a friend of mine took her two pre-school age nephews to see it.  Weeks following their big movie experience, the youngest was heard singing, "You got a friend in nee!"  Julie, my friend, tried to correct him explaining that the song actually says, "You got a friend in me...m-m-meeee!"  He would hear nothing of it and replied emphatically, "No, Aunt Ju-wee!  It's, 'You got a friend in nee...n-n-neeee!'"

Whichever interpretation works for you, I think it's safe to say that friendships are a gift, and Toy Story does an incredible job of reaching into the heart of what it means to be there for someone.

Over the past two weeks a phenomenal thing has happened to me.  Phenomenal in that I was the recipient of random acts of friendship.  I have friends all over the world.  Some I haven't seen since grade school, some not since college, and others I haven't seen in a couple of days.  Randomly, I received messages, texts, and even a great, big hug from several of these friends.  They were all praying for me.  I hadn't spoken to, nor even seen, some of these individuals, and yet God brought me to mind at a time that I really needed prayer.  How cool is that?  They had no idea what challenges I was facing, or that I had found three gray hairs that morning.  God used his people to reach out to me, and I felt encouraged to keep pressing on.

I learned two powerful things through this:

First, God is deeply concerned about every detail of my life, and while I may not receive audible messages straight from Heaven, He speaks to me through His Body of believers...my friends.  He knows what we need when we need it, and as imperfect as we are, He loves to use us to encourage one another.  My friends were obedient to God's prompting, and I was blessed.

Second, when God brings someone to my mind, and I pray for them, I need to let them know.  There are countless times when a person flashes through my mind.  I usually don't know what, or if anything, is going on with them, but I know I'm supposed to pray.  What I am realizing, however, is that it's not complete until I've let them know.

So often I think we feel isolated and alone in our circumstances.  Maybe being home all day with the kids, or working full-time and struggling to find balance, or focusing on a difficult transition finds us wondering if anyone knows where we are or the struggles we've been facing.  As a part of the Body of Christ, it is becoming more clear to me that reaching out with a quick word or hug is being Jesus to my friends.

It's a simple way of saying, "Hey!  You got a friend in nee!"

Friday's Free Advice:  If someone crosses your mind, stop, pray, and then let them know!

And So We Lick Our Wounds

Sydney was beside herself.  As I was pulling away from the carpool pick-up line I couldn't help but wonder who this little monster was in the back seat of my car.  She had asked me if we could go to Starbucks for a girls' day, and I had said no.  I warned her before I dropped her off at school that this Monday was not a "girls' day Monday".  Fair warning as far as I was concerned.  Either Sydney forgot our pre-school conversation, or she was attempting to talk me into changing my mind.  When she realized that there would be no argument from me, she lost it.  I was the meanest mommy in the world...for 20 (long) minutes. Several hours later, and after a little bedroom time for Sydney, we sat down and had a little talk.  I asked her what she was feeling?  We started talking about her day, her friends, and her math speed drill.  The more I pressed her about the speed drill I could see tears welling up in her eyes.  She hadn't finished hers in time and felt embarrassed in front of her friends, not to mention upset with herself for what she perceived as failure.  The tears grew into sobs as she continued to open up to me.

I knew in the car that Sydney's outrage was not really about me, even though at the time it was directed towards me.  I knew there was something else going on deep inside her and the only way she knew how to deal with her self-loathing was to react rather than look inward.  It was an easier way to go for her.  Rather than deal with the painful feelings, she tried to put her pain on me.

On the other hand, one can never tell when Brooklyn has been hurt or offended.  It's not until she runs away and hides from us that we realize something, or someone, has upset her.  Sometimes she simply disappears, without a peep.  When Brooklyn has been found she is usually curled up in a ball, whimpering in sorrow.  It takes incredible patience and a gentle hand to get her to open up and express what is truly bothering her.  Rather than speak up when the offense has taken place, Brooklyn prefers to withdraw, run away, and hide from the very people who love her and want to help her.

As I was thinking about my girls and how they deal with their hurts, I was reminded of how we, as adults, do the same thing.  We may not throw our bodies on the floor in protest or let others see our ugly sides, however, in our own way we either lash out or run and hide when someone has hurt or offended us.

Sometimes we say mean things to people.  Sometimes we call them on the phone and give them a good earful.  We feel justified.  We are going to have our say, regardless of the other person's feelings.  Sadly, the end of this scenario is usually pain on both sides, and a broken relationship.  The reaction to hurt brings more hurt.  Rather than looking inside at our own brokenness we look at everybody else and blame them.  It is too painful to face the real problem, in the immediate.  However, the consequence of never facing the reality and root of our pain is a pain that will live with us for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes we simply run away and hide.  We pull a "Brooklyn".  We've been offended.  We've been hurt.  We feel overlooked or perhaps insecure about our ranking in a relationship.  Rather than speak up and say something, we distance ourselves to the point of isolation.  Instead of choosing vulnerability, which hurts for a brief moment in time, we walk through life never knowing the power and fulfillment of true relationship.  We are afraid of being abandoned, so we abandon.  We walk away from the very people (imperfect and flawed, to be sure) who love us and care about us.

We are lying to ourselves if we believe that the deep, dark issues inside of us will eventually go away if we either find the perfect friend, family, church, or job.  If we never learn to stop and take a closer look within, we will forever be attacking and withdrawing and sadly, never growing.  If we want to grow, and I believe we really do, then we must put a stop to the way we handle pain.

The pain we feel, if we will allow ourselves to feel it, can actually lead us and guide towards healing.  It's hard work.  It requires risk and trust and reaching out and vulnerability, acceptance of our role in the pain and willingness to confront our fears.  When we read or hear what healing involves we choke up, we resist, we justify, and if we're not ready to go there yet, we run away and lick our wounds.  Because this seems a much easier option.

Cloud and Townsend in their book "How People Grow" write:

"Bad pain comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the suffering it would take to change them, because many times people suffer because of their own character faults.  Bad pain is basically wasted pain.  It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through.  It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and true hurt that needs to be worked through."

As harsh as this may seem, and going deep into our pain can be brutal, there is a heaping load of grace, love and forgiveness that God pours out on us as we take this step.  He reveals his presence through his Word, but most importantly he reveals his character through fellow believers walking the path along with us.  We are never alone.  God's word promises he will never leave us nor forsake us.  I believe that includes his people, too.

Here is yet another growth step: will we lick our wounds or risk exposure of our wounds so they may heal?

Simple...but not easy.

Simple, But Not Easy

Trust and obey.

If I could sum up what God has been whispering to my heart over the past year, it would be these two simple words: trust and obey.  When I begin to worry about the future, or my children, or finances, or ministry, or the housing market, he gently reminds me to trust and obey.

Simple, but not easy.

Trust requires me to give up control.  Trust implies that I am not to worry, fret, or concern myself with how everything is going to work out, but to rest in God's strength.  Trusting God when nothing in the world proves trustworthy.

Obedience requires me to step out in faith - to take action regardless of how I feel or what common sense would say.  When the Spirit prompts me to speak, move forward, pause, or hold my tongue, I must obey.  God's ways are far beyond our ways, far beyond our understanding.  But his ways always have our best interest at heart.

A simple "formula" for spiritual growth, but certainly not an easy one.  He doesn't demand self-sufficiency but complete God-sufficiency.  He doesn't ask us to figure it out, come up with a plan, or get our ducks in a row.  He doesn't expect perfection.  He asks us to let go, trust, and follow.

To find the very thing we are looking for- the beauty of  life in Christ that we've been bumping around in the dark for- we must stop wreckless wandering and start trusting and obeying.  Abandoning ourselves for the glory of God.

So, how do we do this?  How do we trust and obey?  How do we step out in this very noble endeavor?  First, we can not do it on our own.  We need God, and we need others.  So relieved am I that I don't walk this spiritual path alone.  Not only is there a deep intrinsic desire in me for relationship and friendship, but this is also God's desire for me.  None of us were intended to live our lives as lone rangers.  We were created for fellowship.  On my own, I will spend a lifetime striving to trust and obey.  And on my own, I will fail.  However, when I find myself facing a challenge, requiring more of me than I can give, that is when I call out to God, and I call on a friend.  No matter what situation demands my trust and obedience, I can overcome through God's strength and the strength he pours out through a fellow believer.

With the support of a friend or friends, I receive the direction given to me by the Holy Spirit, and I am empowered to trust and obey.  It's not about willpower but the will to allow God's power to work in my life and through the life of The Body of Christ.

Is this an easy answer?  Probably not, but spiritual growth is not easy.  Spiritual growth hurts.  Just as the body endures the pains of growth, so do our spirits when God is pressing in to us and drawing us to a deeper relationship.  Reaching out to people, too, requires trust.  And for some that is too high a risk.  At some point in our lives, however, we have to make a conscious decision to reach out and take that risk.  Otherwise, we will stay the same forever, repeating behaviors, feeling frustrated and disappointed with God, and ultimately feeling the weight of failure on our shoulders because we just can't seem to figure out how to get beyond this place.

Simple, but not easy.

Know When To Hold 'Em...Know When To Fold 'Em

Almost four years ago I had a vision.  Not a spooky, smoke in the sky, angelic manifestation.  It was more along the lines of a God-inspired dream to start a mom's group at our church.  It would be a no frills, sit and enjoy coffee while the kids run around and play, kind of group.  No agenda, no expectation, simply come as you are.  As I dreamed and prayed, I envisioned this group growing and expanding into somewhat of a book club/close-knit/monthly girls' night out circle of friends.       

A year later (June 2007) we kicked-off the group with a bang.  By September it almost seemed the dream was a bust.  I blogged a bit about the ups and downs of starting this ministry last summer.  There were many growing pains, to say the least. 

Three years after pouring blood, sweat, and tears into something very near and dear to my heart, I sensed, once again, God speaking to me.  He wasn't guiding me to reinvent the group, or invigorating  me with fresh, new vision.  This time he was asking me to let it go. 

At first I wasn't ready to receive that direction.  I prayed about it for months...MONTHS!  Deep, deep down I knew God was redirecting my focus, and the moms group was not going to be a part of this new season in my life.  However, I'm very tenacious, and I wasn't ready to let go until I witnessed the fulfillment of my vision.

Never have Kenny Roger's words from "The Gambler" rung more true: You got to know when to hold 'em...know when to fold 'em.  Know when to walk away...know when to run...

While I don't take deep spiritual guidance from Kenny Rogers, or equate ministry to gambling, I would have to say that he isn't too far from reality on this one.  Trusting God, and stepping out in a new ministry can be somewhat of a gamble.  We don't know what the final outcome will be, and there is no guarantee that we will see a fair amount of success.  There will be seasons when we must "hold 'em" and seasons when we must "fold 'em".  It was becoming more and more clear to me that it was time to "fold" the moms group.

I stepped down from leading MomsConnect in June.  My co-leader sensed God was changing directions in her life as well, and she too stepped down.  It ends without fanfare, without a lot of noise, and without a spotlight.  It ends in much the same way it began...quietly and anonymously. 

As I look at the life of MomsConnect I have seen the ebb and flow of a group that was never meant to be exclusive.  Initially I envisioned a large group of women, connecting and engaging life with one another.  But here is the reality: MomsConnect has served and reached a countless number of women, just not at the same time.  As families have moved away, moms have returned to work, or new life seasons have pulled women in new directions, MomsConnect has evolved too.  In my finite vision I saw these individuals collectively.  In God's vision he saw them individually.  Coming and going...MomsConnect being the place where they found community during a specific season of time.

Ministry success is oftentimes measured by numbers.  If the numbers are high, then the ministry is succeeding.  If the numbers are dropping, or low, then the ministry is "suffering".  Unless MomsConnect hit a high note and stayed there, I figured everything I put my heart into was failure.  However, God has shown me through this journey of letting go, it has been my obedience, and not the final outcome of the group, that deems it successful.  I may have been imperfect in my delivery and leadership, but I didn't fail God.

If Kenny's words still don't cut it for you, perhaps something a little more spiritual, like the Bible, will help convince you:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 14

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.  God does it so that men will revere him."

Letting go of a dream can be difficult, but we have to remember who's dream it was in the first place.  If we are trusting God, and walking in obedience to the calling he has placed on our lives, then we can rest assured that our sacrifices have eternal value.  If it is a season of holding on, then hold on.  If it is a season to fold, then fold.  Either way, it all belongs to God, and there is nothing that can add or take away from the work he is doing in our lives.

Sand

As I anticipated my return home from vacation I could feel the creative juices swooshing in my head.  Sitting still while the waves of the Atlantic crashed at my feet, new insights poured into my mind like the ocean water filling every sandy nook and cranny of the warm, dry beach where I perched like a hungry seagull.  I have often said that I find myself again when I am at the beach.  Salty air, sunshine, time with family, piles of shells collected in a make-shift bucket,  and the sound of the ocean faithfully restore clarity and peace of mind.

Sydney asked me what sand is made of.  I explained to her that sand is simply rock, shells, and coral that have been crushed into tiny pieces by pounding waves.  This process takes years and years and years.  The constant jostling and ripping from the weight of ruthless waters breaks apart these hard objects  and turns them into the soft sand we love to sink our toes into.

I'm home now, but my heart is still processing the simple lessons of the sea.

Are we not all a little bit like the tiny grains of sand on the ocean floor?  We get knocked down and crushed by the relentless waves of hurt, personal pain, and fear.   Shame and condemnation break us to pieces and leave us scattered along the beaches of life.

And then God comes in.  God restores.  God makes something beautiful out of our sharp edges and disfigured forms.  He offers grace where once we were pounded with condemnation.  He ministers mercy where once we were hammered with judgment.  He softens our hearts through the pain...through every wave that threatens to destroy.

Grace has brought me back to my little spot on the sand with the hot sun kissing my shoulders and the foamy broken waves tickling my feet.  Grace has washed over the condemnation, and grace has set me free.  Grace is softening my hard corners and smoothing out my rough edges.

Freedom

I can't really claim to be an expert of sorts.  I'm not a theologian.  I'm not a parenting guru.  Until recently, I've managed to kill all plant life in my keep - no kidding.  (I'm just thrilled that tiny green strawberry buds are peeking out from our little garden this year.  This...this...is a miracle.)  I'm not known for my cooking skills, and I'm a newbie frugalista.  All in all, I'm not that impressive.  

However, I do have a few thoughts now and then, and today I'm thinking about freedom.

What kind of freedom?

Not freedom to go "girls gone wild" on the world.  I'm not endorsing irresponsibility.  Not Fourth of July and fireworks displays (although highly entertaining and lovely).  And not the "Free Love" hippie movement of the 60's.  The freedom I'm talking about is freedom in Christ.  Freedom to live out my life in the way that God created and designed for me to live.  Freedom to love.

I Corinthians 10:23-32

"Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial.  "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.  Eat everything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, for, "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."  If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience.  But if anyone says to you, "This has been offered in sacrifice," then do not eat it, both for the sake of the man who told you and for conscience' sake - the other man's conscience, I mean, not yours.  For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience?  If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?  So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God.

What this means to me is that I choose to do certain things and abstain from certain things, not because I am afraid that God will smite me dead for being ungodly, but for the benefit of my brothers and sisters.  Other's salvation and well-being should be more important to me than what I do or don't do.  And I deeply long to live this out with a sweet spirit.  God has given us freedom, and if we embrace it fully, we may become the most irresistible people on the planet.

There is no room for selfishness in this kind of freedom.  This is what makes following Christ so challenging, not all the rules and regulations that seem to bubble up when people hear the word "Christianity".  Following Christ means we lay down our own rights for the rights of others.  Treating our neighbors, our friends, our families, our enemies, the way in which we want to be treated.  That's some tough stuff when you get down to it.  It means I don't live for myself, but I live to love and serve others.  And it is only by the grace of God that I can do this at all.

Fear tells us that we don't need God, because God will only tie us down and make us miserable.  "Needing" God is weakness, and we don't want to be weak.  So, we wrap up in thick layers of self-sufficiency.

Fear tells us that the only way to stay on God's good side is to follow a man-made mandate on how to live a life pleasing to God.  If you step outside of this moral code you are being selfish and worldly.  So, we envelop ourselves in belief systems that give us do's and don'ts that promise to ensure our eternal security.  (Galatians 5:4 "You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.") This type of "Christianity", by the way, is the very thing that turns so many unbelievers off to God.

Fear breeds extremes - one direction or another - and neither extreme does anyone any good.  However, freedom - true freedom - produces a fruit that even the most hardened sceptic can't ignore.  Galatians 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control."

True holy living, I believe, is clinging completely to Jesus.  Holding him close and allowing him access to hold us closely to his character.  Holy living is walking in the freedom and beauty of God's most precious law: the law of love.  If we could only capture in our hearts and minds what this really, really means, there would be no doubt that following Christ is the only satisfying way to live.

"How little people know who think that holiness is dull.  When one meets the real thing...it is irresistable.  If even 10% of the world's population had it, would not the whole world be converted and happy before a year's end?" - C.S. Lewis

I want to be irresistable.  I want to be the real thing.  I want to take the freedom that God has given to me, by grace, and walk in it with a sober awareness that this freedom to love is the same freedom that will lead others to Christ.

Friday's Free Advice

I had a few ideas for my Friday's Free Advice floating around this mushy brain of mine yesterday (the end of the school year has this kind of effect on me).  I thought about tackling the ups and downs of transition (because I am in the middle of transition right now - going from rigid routine to a more relaxed summer schedule).  However, I read something this morning that literally had me cringing.  So disappointing was the website I perused, that I feel compelled to change the direction of my post.  

What, you may ask, could I have possibly read that would have such an effect on me?  In my "vast" experience (please note the sarcasm here) of networking, I have come across quite a variety of bloggers out here in the web-o-sphere.  Intriguing, to say the least, has this journey been for me.  A few weeks ago I read a very well-written post about raising daughters to be homemakers.  The concept sounded sweet and inoffensive at first.  As I continued reading, however, the subtle, and then not-so-subtle, message  - that it is God's command and calling for ALL women to stay at home and raise daughters for the soul purpose of becoming homemakers - became overwhelmingly apparent.  I nearly fell out of my seat.  It pained me, knowing that thousands of women read this particular blog, and look to the writer as a kind of expert and authority.  So disturbed was I that I spoke up and commented.  I felt like a lone voice in the wilderness.  I'm not about bashing those women who feel called by God to stay home and be homemakers.  I am, however, completely in opposition to the idea that the only place for a woman, in God's perfect design, is the home.  I wrote a little bit about some of my thoughts on this particular subject last week.

Out of curiosity, I decided to do a little informal research this morning.  In some of the banter regarding the "homemaker" philosophy (or theology, as these individuals are preaching), the name "Botkin Sisters" had come up.  I had never heard of these people before, but it sounded like they are pretty influential in this movement.  I Googled them, thinking I would find two elderly women with their hair up in tight buns wearing prairie clothing.  What I found were two very beautiful young women - ages 20 and 23.  I thought to myself, "These are the women responsible for this movement?  You've got to be kidding me!"  That they are lovely and attractive I believe woos young women and mothers who, perhaps, have either been raised in homes that were heavily dysfunctional, or are struggling in difficult marriages.  The fact that they are in their early twenties and delving out advice and "preaching" this distorted doctrine, deeply, and I mean deeply, concerns me.

So, here is my Friday's Free Advice for you:

Oh be careful little eyes what you read in a blog!  Just because a person has a blog, writes well and presents their message in an articulate manner, does not make them an expert!  That includes this blog too.  I am human, completely fallible and certainly capable of error.  Much of what I write is the junk I'm either working through, or full disclosure of my personal dysfunction.  There are times I could actually be wrong (perish the thought!).  If something I write doesn't sit well with you, that might be because it wasn't intended for you.  God was using a particular situation in my life to teach me something personal...and I'm just sharing my journey with you.  If you are truly looking for answers to difficult questions in your life, please, please, go to the Word of God first.  Don't let the blogs out there, and some are really beautiful and well-written, be the light unto your path.  Let God's Word be your light.  Let the blog be a source of encouragement from a distant friend along the path...but never the source of light to your path.

Does this make sense?  I'm certainly NOT asking you to not read my blog anymore...that's not my point at all.  :)  What I am "advising" is to be careful what you read.  I take the "you gotta prove it to me" point of view when I read other blogs (written by individuals that I do not know).  I am extremely critical at the onset.  Time will tell if a blogger is being authentic. 

You may, or may not, agree with this post.  That is okay.  You may, or may not, take my advice.  That is okay too.  The advice is free, and the writer is painfully human.  I think, to be completely honest, this advice is mostly for me.  A good reminder that no matter what I read, or where I look, the Bible should always be the first place I go for instruction. 

What say you?  Have you uncovered some messed up doctrine/theology in your web/blog searches?  Have you been brave enough to speak out when it might not be popular to do so?  Have you read something that left you feeling shamed rather than uplifted...did it confuse or distort the person of Jesus to you?  Let me know...I'm pretty sure we've all been there!

Emotional Writing

One of the things I have had to learn in my blogging venture is that it is never wise to write a post in an emotional state.  Whether it be hormones, a bad hair day, or just plain old irritation, writing under such duress is never a good idea.  I would call it "emotional writing".  For some, pulling out a pint of Ben & Jerry's or spending money they don't have might bring a fleeting sense of satisfaction.  For me...it is writing out "how I really feel" that calms my emotions.  Unfortunately, what ends up happening is I look back at what I've written and cringe.  Only once have I actually posted one of my emotional writing rants, and ended up pulling it an hour later realizing that, as justified as I may have been in my feelings, sharing them with the world was not a wise choice. Today, however, I am making an exception to that rule.  Today I am going to let my unedited emotions break loose and share from the depths of my heart what I believe to be God's desire and calling for women (men, too, to some degree).  And also, what I believe to be God's calling on my life.

Isaiah 61:1-3

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

(I could have easily highlighted the entire paragraph - it's so good!)  Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible describes this passage as a picture of the coming Messiah, his character and his office.  When I read these words, I am instantly drawn to the message and proclamation of freedom.  Freedom from the past, freedom from the constraints of sin in our lives, freedom from sorrow, despair, and oppression.  Jesus came so that we could have life, and live it to the fullest.  His plan for each one of us is as unique as the person we are.  Not one individual on this planet is like any other.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.  Therefore, our futures, God's plans for us and the way he chooses to work in our lives is going to be tailor made...and absolutely wonderful.

Freedom.  How I love that word.  I love the liberation I feel when I know in my heart that I am right in the center of God's will...his perfect plan for me.  No one can take that away.  There will be those out there that will try.  They will believe with all their hearts that God has somehow revealed to them some hidden secret to knowing God's plan for every person, or that somehow there is one specific path that God expects all of us to walk.  (Before I go any further I feel that I should point out that I am not talking about the fundamental truths of salvation.  There is only one way to God, there is only one way to salvation.  Not many will follow because the cross of Christ will be too much to bear.  Yet, doesn't the Word say, "my yoke is easy and my burden is light"?)

Back to the emotional writing...

Paul says in Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

So here is what I believe to be God's desire for women, and the role we play in this life:  First and foremost, love God, seek God, study his word, know him, draw close to him, trust in him and obey.  Give him your life, your cares, your worries, your fears, your failures, your insecurities and your struggles.  When you draw close to God, when you are in his word, you will then know his voice.  As a woman, wife and mother I am of no use if I am off willy nilly doing my own thing, flittering about making choices and decisions without being rooted in the Word of God.  When I know the voice of God, and then obey his directives, then I am at peace and I am a blessing in every role I play.

Second, a friend of mine was sharing with me that she had been praying about a major decision that would effect her family.  It finally came down to choosing between what was good, and what was best.  Funny thing, though, God's best for her and her family is not God's best for me and my family.  When it comes down to making decisions (like being a stay-at-home mom, or working outside the home; homeschooling or sending your child to school; family values; husband and wife roles within the home (not referring to headship here); the way in which you choose to raise your children and how) God directs and leads each woman and family in the way that is best for them.  We are all called to be disciples of Christ and spread the good news, but how we do that is not going to be the same.  What God reveals to be his best for you, will not be what is his best for me.  I respect, love and and admire those who simply do what God has called them to do.  It is a beautiful thing to me to see women living out God's purpose for their lives.  It may looking nothing like mine, or we may have lots of similarities...either way, I find an obedient heart irresistible.

Joel and I made the decision that I would be a stay-at-home mom when we had children.  There was absolutely no twisting my arm on that one (anyone who knows me well would shout out "AMEN" to that).  I love being home with my little ones.  I take pleasure in it, and I am grateful that I am able to do this (not all moms can, and there should NO shame on a woman who, for financial or personal reasons, works outside the home).  At the same time, I am not simply a stay-at-home mom, I have other dreams, hopes and desires - all God-given - that I have yet to see unfold completely.  As my children are getting older, and becoming less and less dependent upon me, I am finding that opportunities to be involved in ministry outside my home have been opening up.  As I prayerfully consider each one, I do so realizing that my first priority is my family.  Not every opportunity is the right opportunity.  Still, I am excited to see how God is going to use my life, my gifts, my abilities and passions as time goes on.

As far as my children are concerned, I am raising all three (two girls and a boy) to first and foremost know God, love God and know his voice.  That is top priority.  Their salvation is more important to me than knowing how to bake muffins or having the top grade in their class.  What they choose to do with their lives is between them and God.  If Sydney wants to run for president, well, I'll campaign for her!  If both girls want to be homemakers, then I'll stand by their sides and mentor and love and encourage that.  If my son chooses to be a teacher, lawyer, missionary, pastor, doctor...whatever...I will support him.  Only God can reveal his perfect plan for their lives.  My job is to teach, train, discipline and guide them to become responsible, well-adjusted, independent adults who will love God with all their hearts, minds, souls and strength.

This is a long one, and I could keep writing on this topic.  Above all else, is it not the fruit of the Spirit that should be evident in each one of us?  You can do everything "right" in the eyes of man, or according to a Christian standard, but if the fruit of the Spirit is void in your life, then what's the point?  If you have felt that there is a standard that you haven't been able to reach or attain, is it possible you have been reaching for something God never intended for you to have?  If you have been bogged down in shame because your life hasn't turned out the way it was "supposed to", is it possible that you've been looking at someone else's "best" not realizing that God has a "best" just for you?  Too often I see women weighted down with so much guilt because they are trying to be something or someone God never intended for them to be.  Can I just say that God sent his son, Jesus, so you could be free to be you?  He didn't create you with all your idiosyncrasies and quirks, gifts and abilities, so that you would fulfill someone else's call.  He came to set the captives free (not just the sinners, but those bound up with insecurities, fear and condemnation).  Jesus came to set you free.  If you are struggling then he invites you to come and sit with him, talk to him and allow him to reveal his "best" for you.  When you know the truth, you will be set free.  Free to be you.

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

The "Face"

I have a love/hate relationship with make-up.  I love it because it covers up all most of my facial flaws, and adds color so I don't look nearly as tired as I actually feel.  I hate it because it is such a hassle to apply and remove.  If I could simply leave my house "as is" I would be perfectly happy.  However, "as is" is scary.  I know this for a fact because my children, who have no motivation for lying, have told me flat out, "Mommy, you look scary."  So, you see, make-up, while somewhat of a chore, is a necessity.  

I have a friend who very rarely wears make-up, and looks beautiful.  She has that even-tone-silky-smooth-I-want-to-hate-you-but-I-love-you-because-you-are-my-friend kind of skin.  She has truly been blessed.  Me...not so much.  Therefore, I leave my make-up free days for the weekend and my family.

I remember my mom referring to her make-up as her "face".  She couldn't go anywhere without putting her "face" on.  As a little girl I thought that sounded crazy.  I totally get it now.  The "face" is the identity that the world out there has come to recognize, know, and feel comfortable with.  If I were to show up to church on a Sunday morning without my face, there would probably be some concern.  Or maybe perhaps a few horrified individuals.  Like I said, I look scary.

There's another "face" I wear.  This "face" is the person everyone out there sees every single day.  The person who says "hi" in the church foyer, or forgets to say "hi" because she's running late to pick up one of her kids from Sunday school.  This is the "face", or persona, that everyone around me has come to know, to some degree, and feel comfortable with (or at least, come to grips with).  To be honest, there are mornings when I wake up and I don't particularly feel like putting my "face" on.  I'm tired.  I'm stressed.  I've spent most of the night worrying about my family, the future (not a very spiritual thing to do, I know...but I confess, it happens).  I get overwhelmed.  I feel lonely.  And yet, I know that if I were to walk out my door without putting on my "face" I might make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable...I might scare them.

I don't think I'm the only woman on the planet that feels like this, even though sometimes it would appear that way.  I would imagine we all have a deep desire to be known and accepted without our make-up on.  To know that more than just our families will accept the scary two-toned skin that lies beneath the Clinique foundation.  And if we were all perfectly honest, while we so desperately want to be make-up free with each other, we, too, find it difficult to allow others to be make-up free with us.  I say this not to point a finger, but really because as God has been working in my life in the area of grace, this has been a key issue he has brought to light.  As God lavishes me with undeserved grace and mercy, I find him challenging me to do the same for others.  I haven't always hit the nail on the head, but thankfully, God forgives and gives me a second chance.

God's grace is sufficient for me...and it is also sufficient for you.  God's grace poured out for, and in, me, is the grace he desires for me to pour out on others.

One powerful thing I am learning on this grace journey is that as I accept this unconditional gift and apply it to my life, the need to wear my inner "face" begins to fade away.  I don't have anything to be ashamed of, fearful of, or embarrassed about.  I am fully known by God, and feel the freedom to be fully known by others.  It may look rough, and it may lack polish, but it's the real thing.  It is the face without the "face".  The face that God loves, accepts and has chosen.  And more importantly, the part of me that will ultimately reflect Jesus to others...which is truly my heart's desire...above all else.

2 Corinthians 3:18

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

My hope...my prayer...for my face to reflect the true face of God....one day at a time...one step of grace at a time...

Friday's Free Advice

We have a lot of leaders in our home.  Inevitably, there is a constant battle to be the line leader (it doesn’t matter if we’re just walking to a different room…everyone wants to be first).  My children will literally tackle each other in order to claim this coveted position.  This morning a genius moment of mommy creativity flashed in my mind.  As Jackson was bringing up the rear heading downstairs for breakfast, I could tell he was on the brink of a meltdown.  Then it dawned on me…Jackson wasn’t last…Jackson was…THE CABOOSE!  I told him, with excitement brimming from my voice, “Jackson!  You get to be THE CABOOSE!”  He looked questioningly at me, and I repeated, “Jackson…YOU get to be THE CABOOSE!”  His whole face lighted up.  He marched boldly down the stairs and proclaimed to his sisters, dad, and all of creation, “I’m the CADOOSE!  Look at me!”   

Sometimes it’s as simple as changing our perspective. 

There are nights when I will lay my head down on my pillow and feel like I botched every single item on my list of responsibilities.  I can beat myself to a pulp for something I said, or didn’t say; for not spending enough quality time with each of my children, or allowing myself to feel overwhelmed because I don’t think who I am is enough. 

In these quiet moments I am learning to pause and ask God to help me look on my life with a fresh perspective.  I ask him to help me see clearly those areas where I need to humble myself and make adjustments, and then release those things that are out of my control.  I ask him to help me accept the fact that I can’t do everything, and teach me to walk boldly in his perfection, because I am never going to be perfect.  I ask him to give me a fresh perspective, a fresh grasp of his grace and a fresh appreciation for others.

And he always does.  I find that I am asking God for a healthy dose of new perspective a lot these days.  I can’t be a wife, mother, daughter, friend and leader without him.  Where I am weak, he is my superwoman strength, enabling me to leap tall heaps of laundry and dirty dishes in a single bound.  And when my perspective is off, he is faithful to come to my rescue every. single. time.

Friday’s Free Advice:  If you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and it is crushing you, maybe it’s time to stop and ask God to give you a change of perspective in your situation.  I was talking to a friend recently, and for her it was as simple as a good night’s rest.  It is amazing what a little change in perspective can do for a soul!

Reality Check

As I write this post I am nursing a zit the size of a nickel on my chin (it could quite possibly be a boil – it’s a toss up).  It’s hideous, and I am vane enough to be grateful that I don’t have to leave my house today.  Two weeks ago I was having a great hair week.  The cowlicks in my bangs were behaving and the overall look was working for me.  I was having good skin days too.  I felt pretty (is that wrong…I really hope not).  Then, wouldn’t you know it, puberty struck my thirty-six-year-old body - my hair has gone flat while my face has started breaking out.  Hello world, I’ve digressed to my sixteen-year-old self.  I have a zit and bad hair.  

Reality strikes.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my feelings regarding speaking to our women’s Bible study.  I was nervous, and really praying that God would enable me to share the word he had placed on my heart, but also do a good job in the delivery.  Looking out on the faces of women as I was speaking, I couldn’t help but notice a nice, elderly woman in the fourth row back, whose eyes were closed.  I don’t know if she was feeling considerably blessed by my message or if I had successfully lulled her to sleep by the sound of my voice.  I’m going to go with the first option, simply because I can’t bear to think I put someone to sleep while I was talking.  That would be downright embarrassing.   

Once again…reality check.

Just when I start feeling a little too important, I often get confronted by criticism and “please don’t take this the wrong way” conversations.  Some criticism is good, but not all of it is productive or appropriate.  Still, I can appreciate it.  It helps keep me from getting too big for my britches.  I don’t want to be off-limits from the negative side of feedback, just like I don’t want to stop receiving the positive affirmations either.

I call these “head out of the clouds, feet on the ground” moments my reality checks.  Sure, there are days when I’m not in a frame of mind to see the upside of the harsh remark or the blotchy skin - especially those days when I’m feeling particularly insecure about myself (and there are so many).  I’m already face to face with reality, and I don’t need any more help getting there.  But, because I am human, I also know my tendencies to go the opposite direction, and begin feeling a little too important.  As soon as this starts happening, reality comes sweeping through my door and slaps me back down (like my children falling to pieces in the ballet studio parking lot, bodies going limp as I try to heave them up into the Expedition, right after I’ve announced to a couple of the other mommies that I’ve taken two Love and Logic classes and the techniques are working beautifully - sigh).

Good skin and hair are as temperamental as the weather, and my hormones.  A good post, speaking well or just my overall life performance will have highs and lows.  I’ll hit a homerun one week and strike out the next.  The homeruns feel exhilarating.  The strikes are my reality check.  I’m grateful for both.  I need both.  Each serves a purpose in the growing and stretching of my life.

What about you?  How do you handle reality checks?  Do they destroy you or help you?  Any good stories to share?  It’s always comforting to hear from others who have experienced a good dose of reality, and how they’ve managed to get through it.

Invisible

If you had a superpower what would it be?  I think mine might be invisibility.  Maybe it’s because of my reserved temperament, or what feels like years of dust accumulating on me as I sit on a shelf waiting for my moment to do something great for God.  Maybe it has nothing to do with either of these.  Yet, for whatever reason, I often times feel…invisible.   

I think Joseph – from the Bible, son of Jacob, sold into slavery, thrust into prison, second-in-command in Egypt Joseph – might have felt very much the same way I have at one time or another.  He had these incredible God-given dreams that placed him in a position of authority and prestige, only to be thrown down into a pit, bartered off by his brothers to endure years of heartache and disappointment.  It took tragedy after tragedy in his life for him to eventually see his dreams fulfilled.  He had to become invisible before God could raise him up to the most visible position in the land of Egypt.

I was looking at a seed the other day.  There was, with it, a picture of the beautiful flower that this seed was destined to become.  As I took a closer look at the small indescript object, I began to envision the end result.  All of the potential, color, texture and fragrance of this plant was right there in my hand – in the form of a tiny seed.  However, until it is actually placed into the ground, covered up with dirt, invisible and out of sight, it will never become the magnificent flower it was intended to be.

And even after that there is still a great deal of cultivation and patience needed before the results start poking through the soil.  Roots must grow deep and strong, expanding out and down under the ground to give the plant a firm foundation.  Without them the beautiful flower-to-be would be swept away when once the first storm were to hit its tender buds.  In time, in God’s time, tiny sprouts will protrude up through the grimy dirt, poking their heads out into the sunshine.  And eventually, the intended beauty of the flower will blossom and bloom: a gift to the world.

I believe, like with the seed and the flower, it is actually in those invisible moments - waiting for that dream, hope, promise to be fulfilled – that God is doing, by far, his greatest work.  It may appear as though, after God dropped a dream or a promise into your heart, he then mysteriously vanished.  It may feel close to abandonment.  Ever wonder why God does that?  I have.  What is the point of getting our hopes up, only to turn his back (seemingly) on us?  Oswald Chamber’s wrote: “Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint’s duty is to be still and listen.  When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait.  God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time.”  God’s silence is not his abandonment.  He has not forgotten you, or the dreams he birthed inside you, simply because he has left you in complete darkness.  No.  He has, in fact, planted you deep in the soil, covered you up, made you invisible to all the world so that one day he may make you visible in accordance to his plan.

What can we learn in the wait?  Spiritual discipline, trust, brokenness and complete surrender.  We learn how to wait - how to be still and know that he is God.  We discover our weaknesses, those places in our hearts that are most vulnerable to pride, failure and self-sufficiency. 

How do we handle the wait?  We abide in Him. 

Psalm 91:1

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”

Abide means “to remain, continue, stay; to continue in a particular attitude or relationship.”  We stick with God.  And while we are drawing closer to him and resting in him, we are also in his shadow - covered up and hidden away.

What can we receive from the wait?  God’s plan made perfect in us and through us.  That’s it.  The chiseling away of our selves and our pre-conceived ideas of what these life dreams are supposed to look like.  Joseph caught a glimpse of his future, and it was phenomenal.  I’m sure his heart started racing as he visualized the greatness and awe of his destiny.  It must have surely blown him away.  But he wasn’t ready for the destiny, and it took a few pits, being forgotten and a couple thousand moments of God’s silence for such a dream as this to be realized.  It didn’t come easy.  And neither will mine, or yours. 

During the wait God is refining us – chipping away self and pride.  He is humbling us in order to raise us up.  He is causing us to be invisible so that he can then make himself visible through us.

“When you are in that season – that dark, empty pit of your life – there is nothing more precious to God.” – Linda Noah (Communication/Group Life Pastor at Portland Christian Center)

As we wait through the pain, through the disappointments, through the long and heavy nights, we are precious to God.  How sweet is that?  He hasn’t forgotten us.  He hasn’t abandoned us.  He hasn’t walked away or turned his back, although it may feel that way.  He hasn’t let us go.  He is still holding on tightly to us.  In fact, he is holding us in the palm of his hands.  He is hiding us in the shadow of his wings.  We may be invisible to the world, but we are not invisible to Him.  He sees us.

And one day, when our roots are strong and our buds have blossomed, we will open our eyes, look up and feel the warmth of sunlight on our faces.  We will relish in the moment of seeing and being seen.  No longer invisible, no longer dusty or cast off into a pit, but fully alive and bearing fruit.  Fulfilling the destiny God has chosen for us, our dreams awakened and in full bloom.

So as we wait invisible, let us not waste time sinking into invisibility.   Rather, may we be hard at work during the wait, and never for a moment think that God’s hand has withdrawn from us, or that his eye has wandered.  We are destined for His greatness – His visibility through us.

"It's Not About Me"

“It’s not about me.” If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard that statement - whether from notable church leaders, speakers, bloggers or just super gifted every-day people - I’d be a millionaire.  I caught myself today, as I was praying, saying that very same thing, “Lord, it’s not about me.”  (I, by the way, am not any of those things I just mentioned…just so we’re clear.)

You see, tomorrow morning I will be speaking to our Ladies’ Bible Study.  There are about one hundred or so women in this group.  For me…it might as well be a thousand, a million, or a trillion - you get the picture.  I’m nervous, excited, filled with anticipation and terror.  I believe God has dropped a very meaningful word into my heart to share with these women; however, because the vessel (that would be me) that God has chosen to use is flawed, prideful, insecure, and weak, I have serious doubts that I will be successful in the delivery.

And here is where the rubber meets the road.  As much as I want to be available, real, and obedient to God, regardless of how “well” I do, there is a very real part of me that wants to do a good great job.  I don’t want to get up there and flop, mostly because, well, my human nature kicks in and starts believing that it is about me.  I don’t want to look silly standing up there at the microphone, lose my place in my notes or say, “Um, um, um” one too many times.  To say, “Oh, it’s not about me” is not being completely altruistic.  And I would venture to say that this is a struggle for many people in leadership roles.

There is also a part of me that longs for the affirmation post-speaking.  If I share what the Lord has laid on my heart, that should be enough, right?  Yet here I am wrestling down the flesh in me that wants to flare up and take credit for anything that comes out of my mouth while at the same time not wanting it to be about me.  It’s a battle.

Here’s the thing - I really can’t take any credit for what God has placed on my heart OR the way in which He chooses for me to convey the lesson.  As I have been preparing, every bit of creativity, every deep point, and every “a-ha” moment in the message came directly from God…not my own resources.  This is where I can honestly say, “It’s not about me.”  God is allowing me to utilize certain gifts and abilities in the delivery, but the content?  All that came from Him.  Do I care if I mess up, fumble my words, or realize afterwards that my zipper was down the whole time?  You bet I do!  Why?  Because I’m human.  I’m just a woman full of insecurities and dysfunction.  I’ve got a long way to go.  And maybe someday I won’t measure my success in how well I deliver the message, but if I simply delivered what God asked me to.

I believe true humility is not cowering or walking around slump shouldered, but it is being no more and no less than, the person God created me to be.  So, today I am praying with all my heart that when I get up to speak tomorrow that I will humbly recognize that it is not about me but about Him.  I pray that He will get the glory, even if I don’t.  I pray that my heart will stay in check.  And I’m praying, also, for confidence and peace that I am doing what I was created to do, and love every minute of it.  (And please, Lord, don’t let me trip on the way up to the platform or lose my place in my notes - humility...not humiliation!)

No, it’s not about me.  But it is about Him working through me, and what a marvelous opportunity to get to participate in something like that!