“It’s not about me.” If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard that statement - whether from notable church leaders, speakers, bloggers or just super gifted every-day people - I’d be a millionaire. I caught myself today, as I was praying, saying that very same thing, “Lord, it’s not about me.” (I, by the way, am not any of those things I just mentioned…just so we’re clear.)
You see, tomorrow morning I will be speaking to our Ladies’ Bible Study. There are about one hundred or so women in this group. For me…it might as well be a thousand, a million, or a trillion - you get the picture. I’m nervous, excited, filled with anticipation and terror. I believe God has dropped a very meaningful word into my heart to share with these women; however, because the vessel (that would be me) that God has chosen to use is flawed, prideful, insecure, and weak, I have serious doubts that I will be successful in the delivery.
And here is where the rubber meets the road. As much as I want to be available, real, and obedient to God, regardless of how “well” I do, there is a very real part of me that wants to do a good great job. I don’t want to get up there and flop, mostly because, well, my human nature kicks in and starts believing that it is about me. I don’t want to look silly standing up there at the microphone, lose my place in my notes or say, “Um, um, um” one too many times. To say, “Oh, it’s not about me” is not being completely altruistic. And I would venture to say that this is a struggle for many people in leadership roles.
There is also a part of me that longs for the affirmation post-speaking. If I share what the Lord has laid on my heart, that should be enough, right? Yet here I am wrestling down the flesh in me that wants to flare up and take credit for anything that comes out of my mouth while at the same time not wanting it to be about me. It’s a battle.
Here’s the thing - I really can’t take any credit for what God has placed on my heart OR the way in which He chooses for me to convey the lesson. As I have been preparing, every bit of creativity, every deep point, and every “a-ha” moment in the message came directly from God…not my own resources. This is where I can honestly say, “It’s not about me.” God is allowing me to utilize certain gifts and abilities in the delivery, but the content? All that came from Him. Do I care if I mess up, fumble my words, or realize afterwards that my zipper was down the whole time? You bet I do! Why? Because I’m human. I’m just a woman full of insecurities and dysfunction. I’ve got a long way to go. And maybe someday I won’t measure my success in how well I deliver the message, but if I simply delivered what God asked me to.
I believe true humility is not cowering or walking around slump shouldered, but it is being no more and no less than, the person God created me to be. So, today I am praying with all my heart that when I get up to speak tomorrow that I will humbly recognize that it is not about me but about Him. I pray that He will get the glory, even if I don’t. I pray that my heart will stay in check. And I’m praying, also, for confidence and peace that I am doing what I was created to do, and love every minute of it. (And please, Lord, don’t let me trip on the way up to the platform or lose my place in my notes - humility...not humiliation!)
No, it’s not about me. But it is about Him working through me, and what a marvelous opportunity to get to participate in something like that!