A few weeks ago Jackson went missing. We couldn't find him anywhere. He had wandered off. An army of us went out looking for him, and with every step I took I found myself praying, screaming out his name, and wondering if this was it. If this would be the "big one". You know, the story that defines my life, the detour from my set path, the heartache that would either drive me to God or away from God. Because I was wrapped up in pursuit of my son, I did not track how many minutes went by from the moment we realized Jackson was missing to the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of him way off in the distance. I was told it was somewhere around 18-20 minutes. When Joel and I found Jackson, a huge wave of relief came over me. I couldn't even walk. I had to sit down. I needed to breathe. Adrenaline and fear, desperate pleas to God and terror, nearly sucked the life right out of me. Touching, holding, and kissing my son was surreal. And I thanked God with a shaky voice and shaky hands. Over and over and over again, gratitude and thanksgiving spilled from my lips like a waterfall. Thank you, God! You are so good!
Later, when I was quiet and alone and had time to think and recall the events of the day, I wondered "what if". It was bound to happen. I couldn't help but consider what would life be like if I hadn't found Jackson? What if he had been taken by someone? What if he had been hit by a car? What if...? It isn't healthy to sit and stew on the "what if's", but I think the biggest question I had that haunted me was "What if...something bad had happened...would I still believe that God is good?"
This is the question I have been pondering for several weeks now. It is easy to say "God is good" when life is good, or we get the answer to prayer we have been hoping for, or we get the primo parking spot at the mall, or the sun is shining, or right after we've booked tickets for vacation, or in that first sip of our favorite Starbucks indulgence. Mmmm...God is good. I wonder if my faith, my view of God, is perhaps a little out of whack. I wonder if we get a little too narcissistic? The minute one little kink in our plan arises we suddenly think the world is coming to an end. And I wonder about those individuals who have truly experienced tragedy, and somehow, someway, have been able to utter through tears and pain that "God is good", know something about God that I don't know yet.
For days I was unable to acknowledge God's goodness because I doubted my ability to find him good if Jackson had not been found. I honestly wondered if I could still believe God to be good had I lost my baby boy. Then, one morning as I was reading the Word and meditating on all of these crazy thoughts I'd been having, I came across a Psalm.
Psalm 30:8-10
To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: "What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."
It isn't that God's goodness is contingent upon circumstances. He is good regardless of which direction my life goes. I believe that my happy ending in finding Jackson when he was lost and nowhere to be found, was God's mercy in my life. I can't define it. I don't deserve it. And I can't explain it away to someone who's pain and grief of a lost child are with them daily. For whatever reason, only known to God, he extended mercy to me, to my family, on that day. In the grand scheme of our story, there would be no gain from this devastation. That doesn't mean that difficulties will never come my way, or that I am somehow excluded from the harshness of life, but this was not it. This would not be my "big one"...my one defining moment.
God had mercy.
One of the many things that I love about Psalms is that there is always an upward focus. Regardless of circumstances, the writer looks to God, places complete trust in God and gives all praise and thanksgiving to God. Our hope, no matter what we may be going through, is that God's goodness will see us through anything and everything that this sinful world throws our way.
The final verses of Psalm 30 says this:
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
In plenty and in want, there is hope and assurance that God will take our wailing and turn it into a beautiful dance, a garment of joy and unending songs of his goodness, graciousness, mercy, and love.
Yes, God really is good. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way, but he is. He sees our pain, our challenges, our joys, and sorrows, and through them all, he is good.