My six-year-old, Sydney, came skipping down the stairs the other day wearing her sassy jeans, pink t-shirt, flip-flops, Disney Princess sunglasses atop her head, swinging her sparkly purple purse on her forearm. When she met me at the bottom of the staircase she looked me straight in the eye and announced, “I’m ready.” She was referring to the Kids Praise Company spring musical auditions at our church. For weeks she had been sitting with her CD player rehearsing each song, especially her favorites, closing her eyes in deep concentration so as not to miss any of the notes. The day for auditions had finally come, and like she said, Sydney was ready.
After the try-outs she made her way over to where I was waiting, shoulders back, head held high, and informed me that she got it. She did it. In her words, “I did great!” I had to get a little clarification on the “I got it” statement, seeing that we were surrounded by a room full of children waiting to audition. She didn’t actually get any part, yet, but was so confident in her performance that there was no doubt in her mind that she had nailed the audition.
That girl has more confidence in her little finger than I have in my whole body. There are times I wonder to myself, “Whose kid is this?” She is so secure. Whether or not she is even singing on key, she believes she’s a superstar. And I am in awe.
One of my favorite movies of all time is The Sound Of Music. In it, Maria – Julie Andrews – dances through the streets of Salzburg, swinging her guitar case in one hand singing, “I have confidence in confidence alone!” It is truly inspirational. I want that kind of confidence. And I want my children to have that too.
Sadly, I have to say there is a growing trend in our society that believes in order to instill confidence and achievement in our children, we must remove any factors that may, in fact, set them up for failure. In his article,"Self-Esteem, Self-Destruction”, George Will writes about a school in Massachusetts that teaches children to jump rope without using ropes. Apparently, this is supposed to raise their self-esteem because failure to jump rope (with an actual rope) could impair their self-concept for life. This is insanity to me! Citing Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman from their book, “NutureShock: New Thinking About Children”, Will writes:
“Children incessantly praised for their intelligence (often by parents who are really praising themselves) often underrate the importance of effort. Also, overpraised children are prone to cheating because they have not developed strategies for coping with failure.”
Confidence and a healthy self-esteem are achieved, not by incessant praise and equality in sports, but by failure: learning to try and try and try again. Pride in our kids should not be contingent on whether or not they do well in soccer, ballet or academics, but how much effort and discipline they have put into them.
As we were driving home from the spring musical auditions I had a perfect teaching moment with Sydney. We began talking about the part she had tried out for. She monopolized the first half of the conversation by expressing her passion for this particular role. She could “see herself” playing this part, and was adamant that she got it. Eventually, I was able to slowly explain to her that just because she tried out did not necessarily mean that she was going to get the part. I had her think about all the other boys and girls sitting in the waiting room to audition. There were a lot of children trying out for parts, some of them for the same role she wanted. I pointed out that there are not enough solos and speaking parts for everyone. I gently explained that there was a real possibility that she might not get the solo she auditioned for, and perhaps not get anything at all. Over the next fifteen minutes I listened as her whole world came crashing down. Was I being mean to my daughter, or destroying her self-esteem by telling her the truth? No way. Once she was able to face reality, get a good cry out of her system and talk through her “I can’t handle it!” feelings, she settled down.
Later, Sydney asked me if I was going to be proud of her if she got the solo. I said no. I would not be proud of her if she got it, because I was already proud of her for being brave enough to try out in the first place. I told Sydney that I would be very happy for her if she, indeed, got the part, and subsequently, would be very sad for her if she didn’t. However, my pride in her was already established because of her bravery, character and simply because of who she is.
Confidence doesn’t come easy. Children have to learn how to work for those things they really want. They have to learn to come to grips with failure, and be encouraged to keep on trying - to not give up just because something is hard. I could care less if my kids get the best parts in spring musicals, make the soccer team or have the best grades in the class. I believe they are completely capable of succeeding. And if they are working hard, putting their best foot forward and not giving up when disappointment comes, then I’ll know I’ve done a good job. I will have given them something far more valuable than a false sense of success. I will have instilled in them the ability to fail and the ability to achieve – confidence in confidence alone!